Feelings, nothing more than feelings....

But they still suck sometimes.  My son, Jared, is 15.  He is also in the hospital.  I just got off the phone with him and he is crying and upset because he can't come home.  He wants to really bad, but the doctor and I are on the same page, and the page says that he can't go until he's a little more stable.  I have horrible guilt, but we're paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to be there, and I want him to be STABLE before he gets out.  It makes me sad, and my youngest broke down in tears at the dinner table tonight, because he misses his brother.  He wants Jared to come home.  He shares a room with Red.  Poor Red.  Poor Mason. Poor me.  :(  I feel so guilty, but what else can I do?  It just makes me SO sad.  I just don't even know what else to say.  I'm just numb.

It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.

I never stopped loving him...

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.


These words were written on 28 Feb 2013.  A month later, my world came crashing down on me.  I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony.  It was actual physical pain.  There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman.  Things he should only say to me...

My heart has been broken. *I* am broken.  And God is repairing me.  I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here.  God is mine too, and He is love.  He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children.  But the Lord has lifted me.  He has come to my aid any time I have asked.  Which has been often.

I know this man did something horribly wrong.  But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake.  And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this.  So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES.  Because they can.  This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble.  Because I've had that before.  This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.

We will be okay.  I love him, and he loves me.   This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.

Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial.  We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts.  This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand.  Yours.  Thank You.

Angel

That is the name he gave her.  I've read text messages.  I feel like I'm on fire on the inside when I think about it or talk about it too long.  I can't even express the anguish I am going through.  And to her, it is nothing.  I'm sure she just figures it's only a matter of time...

My chest hurts.  My heart skips beats sometimes.  And my brain is just in an incredible fog.  And I'm alone.  I feel desperately solitary in this situation.  I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much.  And I also don't know how I'm going to get over the feeling of distrust I have.  How do I know he's not eating lunch with her?  How do I know that he has really broken it off?

I'm attempting to move forward, and not focus on it and nothing else.  That is easier said than done.  All he has to do is say, "I love you," and I'm off and running in my head.  Thinking about how horrible this wrong has been for me.  Wondering how he can possibly mean it when he said it to someone else just a week ago...?

And THEN, there's *her*.  I cannot describe the feeling of loathing I have for this person.  The absolute lack of compassion for what she's put me and our family through.  She knows we have six kids.  And she's a bitch.  I have nothing nice to say about her, so perhaps I should just stop there.

I have never felt as ugly and dirty as I do right now.  Every time I shower I think about how I feel like *she* is still "on me".  I don't know how to explain it.  And he swears he hasn't slept with her.  But he doesn't tell me the truth half the time.  I asked for his text messages, and he didn't tell me no, but he told me that it wasn't moving forward...  HOW can I move forward when I know that you've been getting pictures of another woman's breasts and telling her you love HER??????????????????????????????

I hope she drops off the face of the earth and gets sucked into a black hole.  I wish I could facilitate that for her.  But since I can't, I think I will just use my paper voodoo pad on her.  Bitch.

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...

My name is Sarah...

And I have an eating disorder.  I am bulimic.  I don't throw up.  I use laxatives/stool softeners.  I have been unable to stop, and have actually recently had to increase my intake, because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom.

I didn't start out like this.  Actually, that's not true.  My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year.  I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous.  I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself.  I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something.  So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract.  It doesn't work.  And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame.  SO - I'm outing myself.  I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.

Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not.  The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive.  But I can't make myself stop.  Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work.  But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.

I hate being this way.  Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict...  What has happened to me?  I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years...  Time to figure it out...

Tax money

So - Every year about mid-February, I get really... antsy..?  I restless, cabin feverish, if that makes any sense.  And when that happens, I spend money.  A lot of money.  It's like an obsession.  I can't make it stop, and this year when it was happening, I got this self awareness that this happens like this a lot.  It's almost as though we've spent the whole year scraping by, and then there's a release.  My brain says, "OK, you've got some money now, let's shop for some stuff we've put off..."

I KNOW damn well that it's sick.  I JUST figured out this year that it happens EVERY year.  And... my husband and I have had a disagreement over this.  My husband told me - okay, and I will be totally honest here, that this is NOT his exact words, but this is what I HEARD - that I throw the equivalent of a 40 year old temper tantrum til I get what I want and that it gets really old.

Let me just tell you the PANIC that entered immediately into my mind.  My mind began racing, telling me,
 
"you're not going to be able to control what happens and it's going to be BAD."
"WHY can't you just STOP doing this?"
"You're ruining your marriage because you're SHOPPING."
'How are you going to survive if he leaves?"
"he's going to leave you."

All this in a millisecond, because that's how I roll.  This was two days ago.  So last night (after a day had passed) I asked him if he realized he'd told me that I have temper tantrums, and he said, "I know."  And then followed up with (again, my words), " I meant to say it."

I am struggling.  I don't even know how to explain what is happening to me in my brain.  There are days I have complete calm.  There are some days I'm easy to get along with.  But not very many of them lately.

This amazing man is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  He truly is my best friend.  He makes me laugh, he takes care of me.  He goes without things he wants, and sometimes even things he needs so I can have what I want.  WHY is it never enough?  Why do I constantly need / want more?  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  So why can't I be?  Why do I have such a hard time not buying stuff that I don't need and sometimes don't even want.  I am scared that he's going to leave.

He says that it's *our* money.  And one thing I have noticed is that I ask him a lot of the time what he thinks on a LOT of stuff, even when he's out of town.  Such as, "can so & so play the Wii?"  But when they ask him, he doesn't typically ask me for my opinion.  AND I feel like he's hiding the money stuff from me.  If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would have NO idea where all the stuff is that pertains to our bills.  And I started doing Dave Ramsey and he just keeps dragging his feet.  Which also scares me.  I feel like he's basically retreated into himself and isn't letting anyone in.  I'm on the outside of a place I used to go.  And the door is locked, but I have no key, and the person inside is ignoring me.

I don't know what to do.  He says one thing, but his actions say something else, and it's very confusing to me.  I told him I was going to go to school.  He didn't say a word.  And I couldn't figure out if he was thinking that would be a good idea or a bad one.  He didn't tell me.  So here I sit.  Guessing what my husband is thinking.  Worrying that after 10 years he's going to say, "screw it!'  He told me that he's made promises to me.  But I remember the stress of going through stuff with a person year after year, after year.

I don't know what else to say.  The money issue comes up constantly.  And the bill collector's call.  And my husband says he's going to pay a bunch of the medical stuff, but, again... nothing is happening.  I'm VERY stressed out.  And I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that I'm going to end up alone after all of this.  And it scares the crap out of me.  I can't lose him, because I just won't be able to go on.  I'm more in love with him now than I was 10 years ago.

Wow - I guess I had a LOT to say, and now I have a lot to work on in therapy.  :)

Anger keeps me warm in the winter...

And, apparently the rest of the year as well.

I'm listening to Chicago on my iPod, and I'm SO damned angry.  I'm angry that I can't listen to these songs without thinking about *him* and wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to marry me...? Angry that I don't WANT to think these things because *he* was an abusive bastard who only thought about himself...  Angry because *he* did things that affect my relationship now, a relationship I'm happy in with a man I love more than anyone I've ever loved.  Angry that I had to go through things after the end of that relationship, while *he* just got baptized and had no repercussions at all.

Does he remember playing the song 'Everything I Do' by Bryan Adams and sobbing that he loved me so much and that song was how he felt about me, etc.?  Does he remember that we used to listen to the Chicago CD while we slow danced in the dark in his room?  Does he even think about it anymore?  Did he EVER think about it?  And why do *I* still have to think about it?

When I found out he didn't remember the last time we were together when he punched me and called me a name I can't repeat my friend said that big a deal to him.  She said that it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to treat me like that.  He has no idea that after that conversation I relapsed into more Oxycontin use.  I definitely have unresolved issues from his constant controlling/abusive behavior.  And then there are the rapes.  Which I can't talk about.  When I think about it, I am sick, and wish I could humiliate him and hurt him the way he has humiliated and hurt me.  But I can't.  I left *HIM* so WHY do I still feel like this?  I haven't been with him for 18 years, nor do I want to ever see him again.  I just want to erase that five years from my memory.  I'm sure he did.  And I never think about my ex husband like this.  I guess because I left without any feelings for him whatsoever.  Not the case with this man.  I loved him like crazy, but couldn't continue hurting myself/contemplating suicide/ drinking because of the hurt he caused.  All I ever wanted was to be with him forever, to have him love me, to marry me.  And he wouldn't.  Or couldn't.

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.

Two!

Friday, January 2013 was my 2 year AA birthday.  I am very relaxed for the most part.  I did have to quit playing a game that I love but that I was using to escape my life.  But that was okay.  I don't need it.  What I do need is serenity.  Peace.  Patience.  And slowly, I'm getting it.  It just took me a little while to find the way to get it.  Guess what it is?  WORK!  Work my butt off.  Do the steps.  It has really helped me to get where I need to be.  I am not always able to hang on to it, but I'm able to find it more easily and more quickly.  Someone said to me on Friday that sobriety looks good on me.  I think so too. :)