Thursday, February 28, 2013

Anger keeps me warm in the winter...

And, apparently the rest of the year as well.

I'm listening to Chicago on my iPod, and I'm SO damned angry.  I'm angry that I can't listen to these songs without thinking about *him* and wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to marry me...? Angry that I don't WANT to think these things because *he* was an abusive bastard who only thought about himself...  Angry because *he* did things that affect my relationship now, a relationship I'm happy in with a man I love more than anyone I've ever loved.  Angry that I had to go through things after the end of that relationship, while *he* just got baptized and had no repercussions at all.

Does he remember playing the song 'Everything I Do' by Bryan Adams and sobbing that he loved me so much and that song was how he felt about me, etc.?  Does he remember that we used to listen to the Chicago CD while we slow danced in the dark in his room?  Does he even think about it anymore?  Did he EVER think about it?  And why do *I* still have to think about it?

When I found out he didn't remember the last time we were together when he punched me and called me a name I can't repeat my friend said that big a deal to him.  She said that it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to treat me like that.  He has no idea that after that conversation I relapsed into more Oxycontin use.  I definitely have unresolved issues from his constant controlling/abusive behavior.  And then there are the rapes.  Which I can't talk about.  When I think about it, I am sick, and wish I could humiliate him and hurt him the way he has humiliated and hurt me.  But I can't.  I left *HIM* so WHY do I still feel like this?  I haven't been with him for 18 years, nor do I want to ever see him again.  I just want to erase that five years from my memory.  I'm sure he did.  And I never think about my ex husband like this.  I guess because I left without any feelings for him whatsoever.  Not the case with this man.  I loved him like crazy, but couldn't continue hurting myself/contemplating suicide/ drinking because of the hurt he caused.  All I ever wanted was to be with him forever, to have him love me, to marry me.  And he wouldn't.  Or couldn't.

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.