And I have an eating disorder. I am bulimic. I don't throw up. I use laxatives/stool softeners. I have been unable to stop, and have actually recently had to increase my intake, because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom.
I didn't start out like this. Actually, that's not true. My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year. I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous. I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself. I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something. So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract. It doesn't work. And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame. SO - I'm outing myself. I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.
Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not. The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive. But I can't make myself stop. Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work. But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.
I hate being this way. Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict... What has happened to me? I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years... Time to figure it out...