Monday, June 24, 2013

Feelings, nothing more than feelings....

But they still suck sometimes.  My son, Jared, is 15.  He is also in the hospital.  I just got off the phone with him and he is crying and upset because he can't come home.  He wants to really bad, but the doctor and I are on the same page, and the page says that he can't go until he's a little more stable.  I have horrible guilt, but we're paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to be there, and I want him to be STABLE before he gets out.  It makes me sad, and my youngest broke down in tears at the dinner table tonight, because he misses his brother.  He wants Jared to come home.  He shares a room with Red.  Poor Red.  Poor Mason. Poor me.  :(  I feel so guilty, but what else can I do?  It just makes me SO sad.  I just don't even know what else to say.  I'm just numb.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.