Thursday, March 7, 2013

Tax money

So - Every year about mid-February, I get really... antsy..?  I restless, cabin feverish, if that makes any sense.  And when that happens, I spend money.  A lot of money.  It's like an obsession.  I can't make it stop, and this year when it was happening, I got this self awareness that this happens like this a lot.  It's almost as though we've spent the whole year scraping by, and then there's a release.  My brain says, "OK, you've got some money now, let's shop for some stuff we've put off..."

I KNOW damn well that it's sick.  I JUST figured out this year that it happens EVERY year.  And... my husband and I have had a disagreement over this.  My husband told me - okay, and I will be totally honest here, that this is NOT his exact words, but this is what I HEARD - that I throw the equivalent of a 40 year old temper tantrum til I get what I want and that it gets really old.

Let me just tell you the PANIC that entered immediately into my mind.  My mind began racing, telling me,
"you're not going to be able to control what happens and it's going to be BAD."
"WHY can't you just STOP doing this?"
"You're ruining your marriage because you're SHOPPING."
'How are you going to survive if he leaves?"
"he's going to leave you."

All this in a millisecond, because that's how I roll.  This was two days ago.  So last night (after a day had passed) I asked him if he realized he'd told me that I have temper tantrums, and he said, "I know."  And then followed up with (again, my words), " I meant to say it."

I am struggling.  I don't even know how to explain what is happening to me in my brain.  There are days I have complete calm.  There are some days I'm easy to get along with.  But not very many of them lately.

This amazing man is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  He truly is my best friend.  He makes me laugh, he takes care of me.  He goes without things he wants, and sometimes even things he needs so I can have what I want.  WHY is it never enough?  Why do I constantly need / want more?  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  So why can't I be?  Why do I have such a hard time not buying stuff that I don't need and sometimes don't even want.  I am scared that he's going to leave.

He says that it's *our* money.  And one thing I have noticed is that I ask him a lot of the time what he thinks on a LOT of stuff, even when he's out of town.  Such as, "can so & so play the Wii?"  But when they ask him, he doesn't typically ask me for my opinion.  AND I feel like he's hiding the money stuff from me.  If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would have NO idea where all the stuff is that pertains to our bills.  And I started doing Dave Ramsey and he just keeps dragging his feet.  Which also scares me.  I feel like he's basically retreated into himself and isn't letting anyone in.  I'm on the outside of a place I used to go.  And the door is locked, but I have no key, and the person inside is ignoring me.

I don't know what to do.  He says one thing, but his actions say something else, and it's very confusing to me.  I told him I was going to go to school.  He didn't say a word.  And I couldn't figure out if he was thinking that would be a good idea or a bad one.  He didn't tell me.  So here I sit.  Guessing what my husband is thinking.  Worrying that after 10 years he's going to say, "screw it!'  He told me that he's made promises to me.  But I remember the stress of going through stuff with a person year after year, after year.

I don't know what else to say.  The money issue comes up constantly.  And the bill collector's call.  And my husband says he's going to pay a bunch of the medical stuff, but, again... nothing is happening.  I'm VERY stressed out.  And I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that I'm going to end up alone after all of this.  And it scares the crap out of me.  I can't lose him, because I just won't be able to go on.  I'm more in love with him now than I was 10 years ago.

Wow - I guess I had a LOT to say, and now I have a lot to work on in therapy.  :)

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