So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.

I never stopped loving him...

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.


These words were written on 28 Feb 2013.  A month later, my world came crashing down on me.  I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony.  It was actual physical pain.  There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman.  Things he should only say to me...

My heart has been broken. *I* am broken.  And God is repairing me.  I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here.  God is mine too, and He is love.  He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children.  But the Lord has lifted me.  He has come to my aid any time I have asked.  Which has been often.

I know this man did something horribly wrong.  But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake.  And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this.  So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES.  Because they can.  This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble.  Because I've had that before.  This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.

We will be okay.  I love him, and he loves me.   This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.

Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial.  We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts.  This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand.  Yours.  Thank You.

Angel

That is the name he gave her.  I've read text messages.  I feel like I'm on fire on the inside when I think about it or talk about it too long.  I can't even express the anguish I am going through.  And to her, it is nothing.  I'm sure she just figures it's only a matter of time...

My chest hurts.  My heart skips beats sometimes.  And my brain is just in an incredible fog.  And I'm alone.  I feel desperately solitary in this situation.  I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much.  And I also don't know how I'm going to get over the feeling of distrust I have.  How do I know he's not eating lunch with her?  How do I know that he has really broken it off?

I'm attempting to move forward, and not focus on it and nothing else.  That is easier said than done.  All he has to do is say, "I love you," and I'm off and running in my head.  Thinking about how horrible this wrong has been for me.  Wondering how he can possibly mean it when he said it to someone else just a week ago...?

And THEN, there's *her*.  I cannot describe the feeling of loathing I have for this person.  The absolute lack of compassion for what she's put me and our family through.  She knows we have six kids.  And she's a bitch.  I have nothing nice to say about her, so perhaps I should just stop there.

I have never felt as ugly and dirty as I do right now.  Every time I shower I think about how I feel like *she* is still "on me".  I don't know how to explain it.  And he swears he hasn't slept with her.  But he doesn't tell me the truth half the time.  I asked for his text messages, and he didn't tell me no, but he told me that it wasn't moving forward...  HOW can I move forward when I know that you've been getting pictures of another woman's breasts and telling her you love HER??????????????????????????????

I hope she drops off the face of the earth and gets sucked into a black hole.  I wish I could facilitate that for her.  But since I can't, I think I will just use my paper voodoo pad on her.  Bitch.