Communication Lines

I'm feeling better today than I was the last time I wrote. I had a lovely conversation with Heavenly Father last night, and there was some dialogue that I won't share here, but I went to sleep with a feeling of peace for the first time in... well, I don't know how long. I have to remember that I'm not alone, and when I feel that way, that I need to open up the lines of communication and pray. It reminds me of a saying I once saw that said, "Feeling alone? With prayer, you'll never get a busy signal," and the picture was a phone off the hook. One of those old school phones with the touch tone pad, you know the kind, like what *I* had as a kid. Anyway, that's it for now, but I'm trying to keep my blog updated more regularly.

Abandoned

Sometimes, I wish I were alone, because then when I got left alone, it wouldn't feel so isolating. I'm going to be real honest here, sometimes sobriety sucks. Even when you have a God. Because there are just some things you have to work through. And there are just some things that you have to feel that don't feel good. It is often said in the rooms of AA that it's a simple program, but it's not easy, and that's absolutely correct. I just don't feel like I have the ability to follow a simple program sometimes. I'm exhausted and depressed. And alone. I'm the only one trying to change. I have no control over what anyone else does, but I feel as though no one cares enough to help me by understanding. And there were promises made that aren't being kept. A promise to talk through everything. And that just doesn't happen anymore. Am I just going to be tossed aside after almost a decade? I don't understand anything that's happening right now, not in my head, not in my heart, not in my life... I have tried to let go of control, and it seems like things have spiraled worse out of control than they were before. It was not supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be different when I let go. It was not necessarily supposed to be easier, but different. And it's not. If anything, it's harder. And the "boundaries" I've created have actually isolated me from family, friends, etc. THIS SUCKS. And I hate it. I don't think I want to do it anymore. I think I'd rather be an addict. It was easier. I don't think there has been much worse than this. And I am only 8 months sober. I don't know if I want to get to nine. I'm utterly alone. Even when I'm with people, I am alone. The silence is deafening, and I want to scream just to hear something other than the roaring quiet. Perhaps I will go back to bed. It isn't worth being awake for this.

Yeah... I'm awake...

It's 2:30 in the morning. All the lights are on, and here I sit, wide awake... You see, I'm sober, and I'm pondering the world as it is. A world where I'm in love with a man who doesn't know how to handle me, so he runs. His words say one thing, but his actions say another. And you know what? I'm the same way. Because I am an addict. And I am guilty of saying things I don't mean, and doing things that hurt others and are selfish. And because I'm changing, I expect there to be a magic wand that makes everyone else change too. But there isn't. And it SUCKS. I was reading a letter that said he would never take me for granted again.

But here I sit, two days before the tenth anniversary of the death of my child, as alone as I was then... And as I've contemplated the things that made insane behavior acceptable to me, my baby dying was a big part of the change that happened that turned things from being sober to being dry. And I was angry with God. I felt like He was punishing me because He took my baby, and I hated Him for it. And sometimes I am scared that I'm going to end up alone, because now that I'm healing from all the messed up insanity that is between my ears, I realize that I'm truly alone except for Him. And no matter what else happens, I must have the acceptance to be okay with that.

And I have to accept that sometimes, people are going to stay stupid stuff to me about it, whether they should or not. That just because they've been there doesn't make them an expert but they will think it does, and I have to just silence myself and pray for them. And pray for God's will in my life. Nothing happens by accident, but sometimes that is SO frustrating. There are so many times that I feel SO much less capable than what I'm being put through. And I'm TIRED. And I'm sad. I just want my newborn baby in my arms.

If I could turn back the hands of time and just do one thing differently... I can't. And I know deep down, it wouldn't have changed anything. They would have just looked at her on the ultrasound and said the same thing. And what happened still would have happened. Someday, I WILL get to the point where I no longer wish to shut the door on the past. Until then, I will continue to have sleepless nights and the what ifs will continue to make me insane. I just hope to GOD that the someday is soon, and not another ten years away, because I can't continue like this...

Gratitude

I am SO grateful today for my life. It's not always easy or fun, but it's sure worth being present for. I was reading a post from January 8th, 2011, three short months ago, and though I've gained 20 lbs, I am NOT the same person I was then. It feels so good not to have so much anger and emptiness in my heart and soul today. I am LIGHT YEARS away from where I was, and have light years to travel, and I am so grateful for that opportunity for growth. I have a peace I haven't felt in a long time. And that's a good thing.

Paper Makeup Stamps

Dear friends,

Some of you know that I recently shaved my head as a fund raising event for St. Baldricks, a charity that raises money for kids' cancer research. The reason I did this was because I have a friend whose son has DIPG (basically an aggressive, inoperable type of brain tumor).

I contacted Paper Makeup Stamps and sent a picture of this sweet kiddo to them, and the artists came up with the most AMAZING digi image for a charity stamp. I can't express my gratitude for this awesome company with SO much heart and compassion.

Here is the link to Oliver's story, and here is the link to Paper Makeup's awesome Digi Image,

SOUL RESTORATION...

Dear Friends,

I have recently been able to take part in a wonderful class by Melody Ross called Soul Restoration. I found out about it when I was alone the week of my birthday in December, and I drove two hours to see my friend Michele because I needed some motherly advice. Oh, and a hug. Michele gives THE BEST hugs. As I was telling Michele my sad tale of woe, she looked at me, and she said, "You know what you need to be doing, why aren't you doing it?" My response to her was, "I just need someone to take care of me. I woke up the other day and I wanted my mom."

She said, "I want you to do something for me when you get home. I want you to look up this website, and sign up for this class and take it. Promise me you'll do it." So I said, "I promise."

And I went home (another two hour drive) and looked on the web for Brave Girls Club. Then, on the right hand side was a box that said, "Soul Restoration", and underneath that, it said, "The real you is still in there."

Fascinating. And exactly what I needed. But how did Michele know I needed it??? Because she's inspired! Know who else is inspired? Melody Ross and her sister, Kathy.

I had been struggling with a prescription drug addiction for several weeks. I hadn't told anyone, and my husband had been out of town quite a bit, so he didn't know the extent of what had been going on here. But I knew before I went on this journey to fix my brokenness that I had to get off of the prescription drugs. And so began my detox. I started tapering off the prescription medication. My last day to take drugs was 1/10/11. So my first day sober was 1/11/11, the first day of Soul Restoration.

What an amazing, incredible, and POWERFUL journey. What a blessing to have this come into my life! What a sense of empowerment I have after the completion of this course. When it said it would be life changing, I sort of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever... I've been going to counseling for YEARS and it hasn't helped that much, so I doubt this class is going to do it for me." But I'd promised Michele I would take it, so I did. And another friend I'd told about it took it with me. How grateful I am that I made that promise to Michele! It's been so completely astounding! I have a completely different outlook on my life a mere two months later, and am looking forward to completing Soul Restoration II

TAKE the class. It is well worth it. I have made decisions that have helped me take much better care of myself. Thanks, Melody and Kathy. I am thrilled to be a part of Brave Girls Club :)

Tender hearted

Hello kids. I'm feeling a little tender hearted today, I think because my head shave is SO close. I'm kind of freaking out a little bit about it. But that's okay. I'm excited to be able to do what I can for Oliver, he is such an inspiration to me. :) I SO love his positive attitude!

So anyway, take one last look at this hair, because soon it will be going to Locks of Love, and I will be bald! :)

Oliver, this one's for you :)

Happy Monday...

Good morning, my friends...

For those of you who don't know, I have a friend whose son has a terminal brain tumor. It's called Pontine Glioma, and it is inoperable. He has had chemo and radiation. Anyway, that's all I will say, because it's not my story to tell...

What I will tell is that I've lost a child, and it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So I am participating in St. Baldricks' local shaving event, where I have been soliciting donations to shave my head to raise money for kids' cancer research. St. Baldricks was the top grant earner in the U.S. in 2010, second only to the U.S. Government. Grants fund research, and research saves lives.

I can't save this little boy, I wish I could. But I CAN do something. I can sacrifice my hair to raise money for research, and my hair will grow back.

If you want to donate, here's a link to my page:

www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/420145

Thanks! :)

Admitted We Were Powerless...

My last post was extremely dark, yes? Sad, but true.

Three days later, I was sober. And scared to death of what was going to come next. Six days after that, I was at my first 12-step meeting. Well, my first THIS time. I'm glad to say that I'm doing better now, at 23 days. And, God willing, with His grace, I will have 30 days next Thursday.

I've been going to MANY meetings, and last night I gave my will/life to God. I had to, because I couldn't deal with the pain I had anymore. This morning I woke up with peace, and the black hole in my chest had closed up. I was calm, the chatter in my head had left me. I'm not saying it will stay this way, I have to make sure I keep God in the forefront of everything I'm doing. But all I have to do is go back and turn it over to Him.

You see, what I tend to forget is that I am God's child. And that He loves me. And THAT makes me important. Just the way I am.

I'm taking a class by Melody Ross called Soul Restoration, and we're working on finding truths from our "truthteller". My truthteller is God. And one of the truths that spoke to me was, "Let God's opinion of you be your opinion of yourself."

Shouldn't we all do that? Food for thought.

I'm feeling pretty crappy today. Not physically, but emotionally.

You know how you look around a group of people, and suddenly you see a glimpse of motion out of the corner of your eye? And you see a lone soul in the corner, just standing watching from the sidelines as life happens. She doesn't interrupt the group... She just watches, wondering how to insert herself into the group, into the conversations, into the lives of others... And she waits... for what? time? money? energy? love? what is she seeking? She's not even sure. Suddenly she feels the weight of your gaze upon her, and meets your eyes. They're sad and empty, a reflection of her heart at this moment. And she doesn't smile because the sadness that weighs so heavily upon her makes it impossible to raise even one corner of her mouth. Even a half smile would be so forced it would almost seem more sad.

The look is questioning, almost haunting, because she seems to be asking you why. She can't explain what has become of her life and why. She is just lost. Unable to control the pain that fills the heart slowly beating in her chest. So she eats as a way to take her mind off the uncontrolled, empty pain that her soul is in. Sometimes she medicates. But only in the truly unbearable times, as she only has a limited amount of pain medication.

And how is it that you know all of this just by observing? It's because you're hiding from your own image in the mirror.