Monday, February 10, 2014

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

I know I shouldn't care...  My sponsor tells me that it's none of my business what people think about me.  But when it's people I love or in this case, someone who my husband loves...  I've tried and tried and tried.  And I just can't do it anymore.  I'm SO broken this time after everything he has put me through.  And I feel like it was my fault because I was "unapproachable".    And I look at my life and it's not how I planned it or in any semblance of ANYTHING I want to claim right now.  And I want to die.  I just want to go lie down in the snow on a mountain and go to sleep and die.  And I can't.  I am paralyzed by the fear and shame and doubt and complete lack of faith I have.  And I try.  I really do...  I just...  I can't keep going forward.  Sometimes I just need to stop and be stuck and work through whatever is stopping me up.  WHY can't I just FEEL better!?  I just want to feel better and BE better and just BE.  I go through the motions and I just can't help but feel that everything I do is BULL SHIT.  I cannot continue, but I can't stand still.  God help me, I am trying so hard to do His will.  I just feel like the wheels have fallen off and I only have ONE spare.  I'm naked, raw, hurting, and I don't know how I'm ever going to get better.  I don't think I am ever going to get better.  Oh my HELL, this pain.. you just don't even know.  I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't scream.  I can't even move.  I am just dying inside and nothing and no one can help me.  I finally understand why people cut.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it.  Often.  I'm a zombie.  I'm dead inside and occasionally something or someone will try to revive me.  But it is too late for me.  I'm already gone.  I walk as a shell of a woman... well, a big shell... but a shell nevertheless.  I'm permanently damaged.  Broken.  And I can't be returned or fixed so no one wants me.  I don't even want me.  I don't know why this shit is all coming out right now.  But I'm SO SO SO fucked up.  OMG, it hurts so FUCKING bad.  I can't even describe it.  WHY do I have to deal with this?

Because I feel like SHE is still a presence.  And I hate her.  And every time I think of her, I pray for her.  But I think part of the problem is that I pray that she will have everything I want for myself, and the reality is I want my husband.  So how do I pray that she have everything I want.  Because I'm not willing to let him go.  I don't know... maybe if I just let him go, this wouldn't hurt so much.  I just don't know how to do what I feel in my heart was the answer for me.  Because I hurt so bad while I try to heal.  It's like every week or so, someone comes and yanks the big scab off, and I bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed.  And every time it gets opened up, the wound gets deeper.  And it takes more packing.  And a bigger scab.  And longer to heal.  Help me, Lord.  Please come and heal me.  Take this pain from me, I don't want it.  I'm grateful I have a savior who has suffered all earthly pains for me.  Please help me to remove my anger for the people who have hurt me.  Please help me to not judge whatever is wrong in their lives, because just as they don't see my pain, I don't see theirs.  Right now, right this moment, thank You for the peace You have given me.


What can I do?  When
I don't want to die, but I
don't want to live, too?

Sunday, February 2, 2014


I LOVE this song.  With everything that's been happening over the last year and all the emotions there have been, I can TOTALLY relate to the fear, the anxiety, the preemptive strikes to protect herself, and the deep love she feels.  I love this man so totally and completely and my biggest fear is that he will leave.  But I'm trying not to make him feel like it's a lost cause.  If I thought that, I wouldn't still be here.

Christina Perri - Arms [Official Music Video]