Thursday, January 30, 2014

Help Wanted: White Knight.

Sometimes I sit and I can't even function.  I can't think, I can't create...  I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life.  I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal.  I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend.  I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?"  I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me.  I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency.  But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else?  I would give him my life if that's what he wanted.  But that's not what he wants.  He wants boobs.  He doesn't care who they're attached to.  And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine.  I don't trust him.  I don't think I'll ever trust him.  And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now.  How can this continue?  We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.

I'm SO broken.  And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.  Fixed isn't even on my radar.  ALIVE.  I feel dead inside.  I am so heartbroken.  And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't.  I have NO ONE.  Because *I* have alienated them.  Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive.  There are so many days that I just want to die.  I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything.  I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic.  Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true.  I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs...  He swears he's here.  But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho.  He's just shut down.  Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am.  But it's not even my fault.  I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen.  I hate myself and I just need him to love me.  The way things were a couple of years ago.  I'm at the end of my rope.  The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast.  Who is going to rescue me?  Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

GOODBYE, 2013!

And good riddance...

Never have I been SO grateful for a year to be finished.  

I still deal with so much anger and betrayal.  It has turned my life upside down.  And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he has.  He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back.  I know I'm supposed to be with him.  I always have.  But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me.  I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express.  I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this.  I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that.  I don't want it to come to that.  It makes me horribly sad.  I am heartbroken.  And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out.  He did that last night...  asked me what was wrong.  I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong.  Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap.  And he didn't say anything.  He knew there was something... but he didn't press...

That almost killed me.  The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened.  I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust."  HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust.  And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition.  My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS.  Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me.  And I don't know if it even matters.  I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).

So - now what?  Well, I'll tell you.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride.  I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy.  I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts.  I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT.  I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal.  I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this.  Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away.  But I have my beautiful kids to take care of.  And I will not let them go.  Secrets kill families.  My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so.  And she's right.  This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been.  I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting.  And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.