Saturday, January 8, 2011

I'm feeling pretty crappy today. Not physically, but emotionally.

You know how you look around a group of people, and suddenly you see a glimpse of motion out of the corner of your eye? And you see a lone soul in the corner, just standing watching from the sidelines as life happens. She doesn't interrupt the group... She just watches, wondering how to insert herself into the group, into the conversations, into the lives of others... And she waits... for what? time? money? energy? love? what is she seeking? She's not even sure. Suddenly she feels the weight of your gaze upon her, and meets your eyes. They're sad and empty, a reflection of her heart at this moment. And she doesn't smile because the sadness that weighs so heavily upon her makes it impossible to raise even one corner of her mouth. Even a half smile would be so forced it would almost seem more sad.

The look is questioning, almost haunting, because she seems to be asking you why. She can't explain what has become of her life and why. She is just lost. Unable to control the pain that fills the heart slowly beating in her chest. So she eats as a way to take her mind off the uncontrolled, empty pain that her soul is in. Sometimes she medicates. But only in the truly unbearable times, as she only has a limited amount of pain medication.

And how is it that you know all of this just by observing? It's because you're hiding from your own image in the mirror.