Saturday, March 29, 2014

Tonight, it's been a year...

OK, this is not even close to the same as a Jet's song...  But it was a year ago tonight (it's still the 28th in my mind because I haven't gone to bed yet) since I got a phone call that changed my life.  It turned my world up-side down and sideways.  If you've read this blog at all, you know the story.  Anyway - it seems like it just happened in some ways, and in others like it's light years away from where I am now.

When I lost my baby, on her birthday the following year, I thought, "Wow, it's been a year.  I just might be able to keep going."  That first year was absolute HELL.  It was painfully slow in passing.  And that's sort of how I feel about this.  Several sheets of Paper VooDoo later, (one of which was rubber-banded to a rock and thrown onto Lake Lowell - I say ONto because it was crazy late at night, pitch black, SO foggy, and neither my sponsor or I thought about the fact that the damn lake would be FROZEN- but it's NOW at the bottom of lake) I have finally gotten to the year mark.  I think I've had a LOT of tests and trials to deal with while I've been working through some of it.  But it's been a whole year.  And I just might be able to keep going.  There have been SO many things in addition to Paper VooDoo that I've done to try and make myself feel better.  And NOTHING has helped.  The only thing that has worked for me is praying like crazy that I can let go, and knowing that, when given an opportunity, I didn't have to make the mistake she did.  I'm not the same as she is.  I'm not better or worse, but I'm different.  And sometimes that's just good enough.  Sometimes, just knowing that I'm healing is the difference between going absolutely crazy and being okay enough to survive just one more day.  One more minute.

This man I love is not perfect.  But neither am I.  And hopefully we can just be, accept our differences, our similarities, and strengths and our weaknesses... and at the end of the day just continue to love each other.  I'll stay on the train as long as it's still underneath my feet.  On New Year's Eve, we were BOTH so relieved to get 2013 behind us.  And NOW I feel like it is really gone.  And so is *she.  Goodbye.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What happens now?

Where do I go from here?  I feel like my life is over.  I am in a perpetual state of panic.  He keeps saying he's not gone.  He repeatedly tells me that he loves me and everything is fine.  But for the third day in a row, he hasn't kissed me goodbye when he leaves.  Monday he told me I didn't wake up.  Same with yesterday.  But today I KNOW he didn't try because I woke up when he got up and just dozed off and on, but wasn't nearly asleep so hard that I couldn't wake up.

I moved across the country to be with him.  Stayed in two homeless shelters.  I have done nothing but try to be what he wants and needs.  I don't think it will ever be enough.  And I kind of hate him for it.

He doesn't understand that what he's done this time has completely changed me.  I will never be the same.  I may never completely heal, because when he says he's finished and turns around and does the same thing, it's because he's sorry he got caught, not because it will never happen again.

He insists that this time he understands that he will never have me if he does it again, but I think he doesn't want me.  He "teases" me all the time that I misrepresented myself.  That I wasn't really who I said I was.  I don't understand HOW he sees me.  SO much stuff happened during that first year I was here, and yet, I STAYED.  He kissed someone else while we were engaged, but I still stayed.  He left for six months for a project, only home on weekends to "put out fires" and get ready to leave again.  *I* was the one taking care of the kids and keeping everyone afloat.

That left me broken.  Severely.  Then we went to a counselor who was an idiot, and she took his side on some stuff that my intuition said, "UH UH!  NO WAY!"  And, four years later, I found out that *I* was right.  And we are dangerously close to the year mark of that discovery.  So what do I do now?  I have stayed and stayed while he has strayed.  And I'm still here.  And he's physically her a lot of the time, but I have NO emotional connection with him.  I feel like he's closed himself off from me and will never let me in.

I guess what I want to know is WHY he has done it?  HE was wrong.  HE needs to help fix.  And instead, I'M the one trying to pick up the pieces, and I just can't do it anymore.  I am just fried.  I am broken.  I am fragile.  I am lost.  I need to be the one getting fixed.  Why the HELL am I trying to fix him and his crap?

I feel this way as a result of what he has done, and it's going to take as long as it takes for me to be okay.  And if it was the first time, it wouldn't be as hard, but it's NOT.  They say third time's a charm, and I can't decide if that means if this time it's really done or not...