Friday, March 29, 2013

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My name is Sarah...

And I have an eating disorder.  I am bulimic.  I don't throw up.  I use laxatives/stool softeners.  I have been unable to stop, and have actually recently had to increase my intake, because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom.

I didn't start out like this.  Actually, that's not true.  My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year.  I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous.  I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself.  I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something.  So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract.  It doesn't work.  And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame.  SO - I'm outing myself.  I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.

Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not.  The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive.  But I can't make myself stop.  Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work.  But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.

I hate being this way.  Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict...  What has happened to me?  I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years...  Time to figure it out...

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Tax money

So - Every year about mid-February, I get really... antsy..?  I restless, cabin feverish, if that makes any sense.  And when that happens, I spend money.  A lot of money.  It's like an obsession.  I can't make it stop, and this year when it was happening, I got this self awareness that this happens like this a lot.  It's almost as though we've spent the whole year scraping by, and then there's a release.  My brain says, "OK, you've got some money now, let's shop for some stuff we've put off..."

I KNOW damn well that it's sick.  I JUST figured out this year that it happens EVERY year.  And... my husband and I have had a disagreement over this.  My husband told me - okay, and I will be totally honest here, that this is NOT his exact words, but this is what I HEARD - that I throw the equivalent of a 40 year old temper tantrum til I get what I want and that it gets really old.

Let me just tell you the PANIC that entered immediately into my mind.  My mind began racing, telling me,
"you're not going to be able to control what happens and it's going to be BAD."
"WHY can't you just STOP doing this?"
"You're ruining your marriage because you're SHOPPING."
'How are you going to survive if he leaves?"
"he's going to leave you."

All this in a millisecond, because that's how I roll.  This was two days ago.  So last night (after a day had passed) I asked him if he realized he'd told me that I have temper tantrums, and he said, "I know."  And then followed up with (again, my words), " I meant to say it."

I am struggling.  I don't even know how to explain what is happening to me in my brain.  There are days I have complete calm.  There are some days I'm easy to get along with.  But not very many of them lately.

This amazing man is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  He truly is my best friend.  He makes me laugh, he takes care of me.  He goes without things he wants, and sometimes even things he needs so I can have what I want.  WHY is it never enough?  Why do I constantly need / want more?  I want to be satisfied with what I have.  So why can't I be?  Why do I have such a hard time not buying stuff that I don't need and sometimes don't even want.  I am scared that he's going to leave.

He says that it's *our* money.  And one thing I have noticed is that I ask him a lot of the time what he thinks on a LOT of stuff, even when he's out of town.  Such as, "can so & so play the Wii?"  But when they ask him, he doesn't typically ask me for my opinion.  AND I feel like he's hiding the money stuff from me.  If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would have NO idea where all the stuff is that pertains to our bills.  And I started doing Dave Ramsey and he just keeps dragging his feet.  Which also scares me.  I feel like he's basically retreated into himself and isn't letting anyone in.  I'm on the outside of a place I used to go.  And the door is locked, but I have no key, and the person inside is ignoring me.

I don't know what to do.  He says one thing, but his actions say something else, and it's very confusing to me.  I told him I was going to go to school.  He didn't say a word.  And I couldn't figure out if he was thinking that would be a good idea or a bad one.  He didn't tell me.  So here I sit.  Guessing what my husband is thinking.  Worrying that after 10 years he's going to say, "screw it!'  He told me that he's made promises to me.  But I remember the stress of going through stuff with a person year after year, after year.

I don't know what else to say.  The money issue comes up constantly.  And the bill collector's call.  And my husband says he's going to pay a bunch of the medical stuff, but, again... nothing is happening.  I'm VERY stressed out.  And I'm exhausted.  And I'm worried that I'm going to end up alone after all of this.  And it scares the crap out of me.  I can't lose him, because I just won't be able to go on.  I'm more in love with him now than I was 10 years ago.

Wow - I guess I had a LOT to say, and now I have a lot to work on in therapy.  :)