So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.