Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sometimes, I wish I were alone, because then when I got left alone, it wouldn't feel so isolating. I'm going to be real honest here, sometimes sobriety sucks. Even when you have a God. Because there are just some things you have to work through. And there are just some things that you have to feel that don't feel good. It is often said in the rooms of AA that it's a simple program, but it's not easy, and that's absolutely correct. I just don't feel like I have the ability to follow a simple program sometimes. I'm exhausted and depressed. And alone. I'm the only one trying to change. I have no control over what anyone else does, but I feel as though no one cares enough to help me by understanding. And there were promises made that aren't being kept. A promise to talk through everything. And that just doesn't happen anymore. Am I just going to be tossed aside after almost a decade? I don't understand anything that's happening right now, not in my head, not in my heart, not in my life... I have tried to let go of control, and it seems like things have spiraled worse out of control than they were before. It was not supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be different when I let go. It was not necessarily supposed to be easier, but different. And it's not. If anything, it's harder. And the "boundaries" I've created have actually isolated me from family, friends, etc. THIS SUCKS. And I hate it. I don't think I want to do it anymore. I think I'd rather be an addict. It was easier. I don't think there has been much worse than this. And I am only 8 months sober. I don't know if I want to get to nine. I'm utterly alone. Even when I'm with people, I am alone. The silence is deafening, and I want to scream just to hear something other than the roaring quiet. Perhaps I will go back to bed. It isn't worth being awake for this.