Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Yeah... I'm awake...

It's 2:30 in the morning. All the lights are on, and here I sit, wide awake... You see, I'm sober, and I'm pondering the world as it is. A world where I'm in love with a man who doesn't know how to handle me, so he runs. His words say one thing, but his actions say another. And you know what? I'm the same way. Because I am an addict. And I am guilty of saying things I don't mean, and doing things that hurt others and are selfish. And because I'm changing, I expect there to be a magic wand that makes everyone else change too. But there isn't. And it SUCKS. I was reading a letter that said he would never take me for granted again.

But here I sit, two days before the tenth anniversary of the death of my child, as alone as I was then... And as I've contemplated the things that made insane behavior acceptable to me, my baby dying was a big part of the change that happened that turned things from being sober to being dry. And I was angry with God. I felt like He was punishing me because He took my baby, and I hated Him for it. And sometimes I am scared that I'm going to end up alone, because now that I'm healing from all the messed up insanity that is between my ears, I realize that I'm truly alone except for Him. And no matter what else happens, I must have the acceptance to be okay with that.

And I have to accept that sometimes, people are going to stay stupid stuff to me about it, whether they should or not. That just because they've been there doesn't make them an expert but they will think it does, and I have to just silence myself and pray for them. And pray for God's will in my life. Nothing happens by accident, but sometimes that is SO frustrating. There are so many times that I feel SO much less capable than what I'm being put through. And I'm TIRED. And I'm sad. I just want my newborn baby in my arms.

If I could turn back the hands of time and just do one thing differently... I can't. And I know deep down, it wouldn't have changed anything. They would have just looked at her on the ultrasound and said the same thing. And what happened still would have happened. Someday, I WILL get to the point where I no longer wish to shut the door on the past. Until then, I will continue to have sleepless nights and the what ifs will continue to make me insane. I just hope to GOD that the someday is soon, and not another ten years away, because I can't continue like this...

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