Friday, April 13, 2012

One day at a time...

So, there are a few things about AA that I've noticed seem to contradict each other.  Like praying.  We're supposed to pray, and "improve our conscious contact with God".  But then when something happens that is an answer to prayers, or is an answer that we maybe didn't want, but we know is good for us and still is an answer, we get told, "It had nothing to do with your praying.  It was God's will."  Uh, what?  I'm sorry, but I disagree.  The God of my understanding and choosing is a loving God who hears His children.  And answers their prayers.

I have also noticed that there are a bunch of people that want to act like they're still in high school.  I don't want to go there again.  I've told my 16 year old daughter that I wouldn't go back to high school for all the money in the world, even knowing what I know now.  So WHY is it that I continue to go to meetings where sick people go and attempt to make them like me?  Well, I'll tell you why.  Because I'm SICK.  And I'm starting to think I may never get well.

I made some comments at lunch today regarding a political thing that happened, and during the discussion, things got heated, and I got loud.  I tend to do that when I get passionate about something.  And someone told me I was being loud, which never goes well for me, because immediately, I revert to a childlike state where my mother is shaming me in public for being loud - but in our house growing up, that was THE only way to get your point across.  You had to yell the loudest.  It's NOT an excuse, it's a fact, and I'm trying, at 15 months sober, to undo 39 years worth of training.  But, I immediately lowered my voice to say two sentences and then let the subject drop.  And when I was finished talking, I heard one of my table mates say to someone else "The entire restaurant would know she's here."  And I just looked at him and said, "You know what, as soon as it was pointed out, I lowered my voice immediately, so you just need to get over yourself."  His response was that it wasn't him that he needed to get over.  And the kicker is that  *I* am the one that is spinning about this.  He doesn't give a shit.  And what really sucks is that months ago, I went to him and asked him if I'd done something to make him mad, because it seemed to me that everything was fine, and then all of a sudden, he stopped speaking to me and would no longer come to the meeting I chair, AND makes no secret about it.  BUT when I asked him about it, he said, "It's more me than you, don't worry about it."  So I didn't.

AA is HUGE on amends.  And I try to do that.  Amends is more than saying "I'm sorry."  It's changing behavior, and making restitution, righting your wrongs.  How can I make amends on something I don't know about?  AND if it is an ongoing thing, I STILL can't fix it if I don't know.

The biggest thing that gets me is that I was talking to a couple other friends in the program, and one said, "He's mirroring something about you that you don't like about yourself."  And I've been pondering that for a couple hours, and that's not it.  I figured it out... THIS is what it is:

I grew up with a sister that I loved and always wanted to be close to.  And my parents couldn't control her, so when there was squabbling among us, I was the one expected to give in and keep the peace.  Because I "could" and she wasn't capable.  And when we were in school, because we were so close in age, and because I started Kindergarten at 4 in Pennsylvania, I was in K and 1st grade at the same time for a while, because I was further ahead than my peers of the same age.  SO, we had some of the same friends.  Well, I'll tell you, that did NOT last for long at all.  My sister made certain that her friends were NOT friends with me, not at school, not at church, not anywhere.  So for the entirety of my school career, I spent it with only a handful of friends, feeling like I was on the outside looking in, and feeling like I was constantly in a popularity contest I could never win.

The other thing was, this girl had the sharpest tongue ever.  And there was no restraint there.  When I was in an abusive relationship, I used to tell him to hit me instead, because some of the things that he said to me hurt more than when he was physically abusive.  And that's how things were w/ this sister.  She said things that cut to the bone, and nothing was off limits.  And no matter what I did, no matter what I endured from her, no matter how nice I was, I was kept at arms length.

And that's how it is now.  I'm on the outside looking in.  And I'll never be one of them, even though I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.  Because I just don't fit.  I've been changing, but how much do I change before I'm no longer myself?  And this time is NOT like last time.  When I stopped drinking, God just helped me, immediately.  I just got that conscious contact with Him, and it was immediate and amazing, I still remember exactly what I was doing, where I was standing, what I was listening to...

But when I lost that baby, I turned my back on Him.  And I've been trying to make my amends to Him.  But the process has been agonizing this time.  I'm human.  Painfully so.  And I have an ego, and a will, and it's strong, and I'm trying to break it.  I think it might actually kill me.  I'm thinking I might just give up program stuff and just try to deal with God myself, with my husband and kids, and my shrink and a counselor.  Because I deal with enough drama with my family, and I just don't feel like I need to continue to volunteer myself for more of it.  It's just too much.  I have a breaking point, and it has been reached.  Today.

Please, GOD, help me.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I've been praying this same simple prayer for MONTHS now.  Maybe I'm beyond help.  And I'm pretty sure that if I killed myself that this pain would go right with me, because it's not physical.  It's my soul.  I don't know if it's ever going to heal at this point.

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