Sunday, April 15, 2012
I don't remember a time as an adult when I've felt so isolated and misunderstood. I am utterly alone. I'm not sure that I'm any better now than I was when I got sober. I feel like shit. And I don't know how much of it to attribute to my depression, and how much of it is me being crazy, and how much I can lay at the feet of others and say, "Here. this is yours and I won't carry it for you any more." My husband has barely spoken to me, talked to me or touched me since he came home Thursday night. So I've been largely ignored while I go through some pretty difficult AA related crap. But then when I decide I need to go to a meeting this morning, I get the third degree, am I ok, etc, because he's worried. Well, then I'm just pissed off, because he has hardly spoken to me for two days and he wants to be worried. I just want to go to my meeting without feeling GUILT! Is that really too much to ask? I have been trying so hard to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm reading the big book, I'm reading my scriptures every night, and I have been for months now. I need help, and I'm starting to think that the help I need isn't on this earth. It's not getting any easier, only harder, and sometimes I feel like giving up. Like maybe everyone would just be better off if I used. Because I may not have been involved then, but I wasn't screaming and swearing, etc. my stress/anxiety level is through the roof. But heaven forbid you take any anxiety medication, because according to people in the program, that's just a cocktail in a capsule. Well, guess what? My sponsor and I discuss when I need to take them. That means if you aren't my doctor or my sponsor, you get no opinion. I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep praying for God to help me and I get a tiny bit of comprehension here or there but it doesn't last for more than a couple minutes. Then I'm back to where I started. I think i might just be better off if I died. Because I just can't take this much longer. It is no way to live, not for me, not for my kids... I just don't know what to do.