Thursday, January 30, 2014

Help Wanted: White Knight.

Sometimes I sit and I can't even function.  I can't think, I can't create...  I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life.  I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal.  I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend.  I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?"  I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me.  I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency.  But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else?  I would give him my life if that's what he wanted.  But that's not what he wants.  He wants boobs.  He doesn't care who they're attached to.  And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine.  I don't trust him.  I don't think I'll ever trust him.  And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now.  How can this continue?  We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.

I'm SO broken.  And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.  Fixed isn't even on my radar.  ALIVE.  I feel dead inside.  I am so heartbroken.  And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't.  I have NO ONE.  Because *I* have alienated them.  Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive.  There are so many days that I just want to die.  I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything.  I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic.  Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true.  I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs...  He swears he's here.  But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho.  He's just shut down.  Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am.  But it's not even my fault.  I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen.  I hate myself and I just need him to love me.  The way things were a couple of years ago.  I'm at the end of my rope.  The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast.  Who is going to rescue me?  Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.

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