OK, this is not even close to the same as a Jet's song... But it was a year ago tonight (it's still the 28th in my mind because I haven't gone to bed yet) since I got a phone call that changed my life. It turned my world up-side down and sideways. If you've read this blog at all, you know the story. Anyway - it seems like it just happened in some ways, and in others like it's light years away from where I am now.
When I lost my baby, on her birthday the following year, I thought, "Wow, it's been a year. I just might be able to keep going." That first year was absolute HELL. It was painfully slow in passing. And that's sort of how I feel about this. Several sheets of Paper VooDoo later, (one of which was rubber-banded to a rock and thrown onto Lake Lowell - I say ONto because it was crazy late at night, pitch black, SO foggy, and neither my sponsor or I thought about the fact that the damn lake would be FROZEN- but it's NOW at the bottom of lake) I have finally gotten to the year mark. I think I've had a LOT of tests and trials to deal with while I've been working through some of it. But it's been a whole year. And I just might be able to keep going. There have been SO many things in addition to Paper VooDoo that I've done to try and make myself feel better. And NOTHING has helped. The only thing that has worked for me is praying like crazy that I can let go, and knowing that, when given an opportunity, I didn't have to make the mistake she did. I'm not the same as she is. I'm not better or worse, but I'm different. And sometimes that's just good enough. Sometimes, just knowing that I'm healing is the difference between going absolutely crazy and being okay enough to survive just one more day. One more minute.
This man I love is not perfect. But neither am I. And hopefully we can just be, accept our differences, our similarities, and strengths and our weaknesses... and at the end of the day just continue to love each other. I'll stay on the train as long as it's still underneath my feet. On New Year's Eve, we were BOTH so relieved to get 2013 behind us. And NOW I feel like it is really gone. And so is *she. Goodbye.