Arms

I LOVE this song.  With everything that's been happening over the last year and all the emotions there have been, I can TOTALLY relate to the fear, the anxiety, the preemptive strikes to protect herself, and the deep love she feels.  I love this man so totally and completely and my biggest fear is that he will leave.  But I'm trying not to make him feel like it's a lost cause.  If I thought that, I wouldn't still be here.

Christina Perri - Arms [Official Music Video]

Help Wanted: White Knight.

Sometimes I sit and I can't even function.  I can't think, I can't create...  I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life.  I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal.  I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend.  I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?"  I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me.  I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency.  But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else?  I would give him my life if that's what he wanted.  But that's not what he wants.  He wants boobs.  He doesn't care who they're attached to.  And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine.  I don't trust him.  I don't think I'll ever trust him.  And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now.  How can this continue?  We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.

I'm SO broken.  And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.  Fixed isn't even on my radar.  ALIVE.  I feel dead inside.  I am so heartbroken.  And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't.  I have NO ONE.  Because *I* have alienated them.  Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive.  There are so many days that I just want to die.  I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything.  I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic.  Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true.  I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs...  He swears he's here.  But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho.  He's just shut down.  Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am.  But it's not even my fault.  I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen.  I hate myself and I just need him to love me.  The way things were a couple of years ago.  I'm at the end of my rope.  The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast.  Who is going to rescue me?  Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.

GOODBYE, 2013!

And good riddance...

Never have I been SO grateful for a year to be finished.  

I still deal with so much anger and betrayal.  It has turned my life upside down.  And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he has.  He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back.  I know I'm supposed to be with him.  I always have.  But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me.  I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express.  I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this.  I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that.  I don't want it to come to that.  It makes me horribly sad.  I am heartbroken.  And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out.  He did that last night...  asked me what was wrong.  I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong.  Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap.  And he didn't say anything.  He knew there was something... but he didn't press...

That almost killed me.  The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened.  I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust."  HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust.  And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition.  My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS.  Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me.  And I don't know if it even matters.  I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).

So - now what?  Well, I'll tell you.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride.  I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy.  I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts.  I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT.  I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal.  I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this.  Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away.  But I have my beautiful kids to take care of.  And I will not let them go.  Secrets kill families.  My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so.  And she's right.  This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been.  I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting.  And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings....

But they still suck sometimes.  My son, Jared, is 15.  He is also in the hospital.  I just got off the phone with him and he is crying and upset because he can't come home.  He wants to really bad, but the doctor and I are on the same page, and the page says that he can't go until he's a little more stable.  I have horrible guilt, but we're paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to be there, and I want him to be STABLE before he gets out.  It makes me sad, and my youngest broke down in tears at the dinner table tonight, because he misses his brother.  He wants Jared to come home.  He shares a room with Red.  Poor Red.  Poor Mason. Poor me.  :(  I feel so guilty, but what else can I do?  It just makes me SO sad.  I just don't even know what else to say.  I'm just numb.

It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.