GOODBYE, 2013!

And good riddance...

Never have I been SO grateful for a year to be finished.  

I still deal with so much anger and betrayal.  It has turned my life upside down.  And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he has.  He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back.  I know I'm supposed to be with him.  I always have.  But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me.  I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express.  I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this.  I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that.  I don't want it to come to that.  It makes me horribly sad.  I am heartbroken.  And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out.  He did that last night...  asked me what was wrong.  I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong.  Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap.  And he didn't say anything.  He knew there was something... but he didn't press...

That almost killed me.  The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened.  I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust."  HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust.  And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition.  My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS.  Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me.  And I don't know if it even matters.  I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).

So - now what?  Well, I'll tell you.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride.  I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy.  I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts.  I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT.  I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal.  I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this.  Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away.  But I have my beautiful kids to take care of.  And I will not let them go.  Secrets kill families.  My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so.  And she's right.  This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been.  I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting.  And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.

I never stopped loving him...

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.


These words were written on 28 Feb 2013.  A month later, my world came crashing down on me.  I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony.  It was actual physical pain.  There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman.  Things he should only say to me...

My heart has been broken. *I* am broken.  And God is repairing me.  I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here.  God is mine too, and He is love.  He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children.  But the Lord has lifted me.  He has come to my aid any time I have asked.  Which has been often.

I know this man did something horribly wrong.  But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake.  And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this.  So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES.  Because they can.  This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble.  Because I've had that before.  This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.

We will be okay.  I love him, and he loves me.   This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.

Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial.  We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts.  This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand.  Yours.  Thank You.

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...