It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...