Tonight, it's been a year...

OK, this is not even close to the same as a Jet's song...  But it was a year ago tonight (it's still the 28th in my mind because I haven't gone to bed yet) since I got a phone call that changed my life.  It turned my world up-side down and sideways.  If you've read this blog at all, you know the story.  Anyway - it seems like it just happened in some ways, and in others like it's light years away from where I am now.

When I lost my baby, on her birthday the following year, I thought, "Wow, it's been a year.  I just might be able to keep going."  That first year was absolute HELL.  It was painfully slow in passing.  And that's sort of how I feel about this.  Several sheets of Paper VooDoo later, (one of which was rubber-banded to a rock and thrown onto Lake Lowell - I say ONto because it was crazy late at night, pitch black, SO foggy, and neither my sponsor or I thought about the fact that the damn lake would be FROZEN- but it's NOW at the bottom of lake) I have finally gotten to the year mark.  I think I've had a LOT of tests and trials to deal with while I've been working through some of it.  But it's been a whole year.  And I just might be able to keep going.  There have been SO many things in addition to Paper VooDoo that I've done to try and make myself feel better.  And NOTHING has helped.  The only thing that has worked for me is praying like crazy that I can let go, and knowing that, when given an opportunity, I didn't have to make the mistake she did.  I'm not the same as she is.  I'm not better or worse, but I'm different.  And sometimes that's just good enough.  Sometimes, just knowing that I'm healing is the difference between going absolutely crazy and being okay enough to survive just one more day.  One more minute.

This man I love is not perfect.  But neither am I.  And hopefully we can just be, accept our differences, our similarities, and strengths and our weaknesses... and at the end of the day just continue to love each other.  I'll stay on the train as long as it's still underneath my feet.  On New Year's Eve, we were BOTH so relieved to get 2013 behind us.  And NOW I feel like it is really gone.  And so is *she.  Goodbye.

Help Wanted: White Knight.

Sometimes I sit and I can't even function.  I can't think, I can't create...  I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life.  I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal.  I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend.  I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?"  I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me.  I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency.  But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else?  I would give him my life if that's what he wanted.  But that's not what he wants.  He wants boobs.  He doesn't care who they're attached to.  And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine.  I don't trust him.  I don't think I'll ever trust him.  And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now.  How can this continue?  We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.

I'm SO broken.  And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.  Fixed isn't even on my radar.  ALIVE.  I feel dead inside.  I am so heartbroken.  And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't.  I have NO ONE.  Because *I* have alienated them.  Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive.  There are so many days that I just want to die.  I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything.  I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic.  Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true.  I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs...  He swears he's here.  But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho.  He's just shut down.  Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am.  But it's not even my fault.  I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen.  I hate myself and I just need him to love me.  The way things were a couple of years ago.  I'm at the end of my rope.  The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast.  Who is going to rescue me?  Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.

It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

I never stopped loving him...

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.


These words were written on 28 Feb 2013.  A month later, my world came crashing down on me.  I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony.  It was actual physical pain.  There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman.  Things he should only say to me...

My heart has been broken. *I* am broken.  And God is repairing me.  I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here.  God is mine too, and He is love.  He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children.  But the Lord has lifted me.  He has come to my aid any time I have asked.  Which has been often.

I know this man did something horribly wrong.  But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake.  And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this.  So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES.  Because they can.  This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble.  Because I've had that before.  This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.

We will be okay.  I love him, and he loves me.   This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.

Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial.  We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts.  This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand.  Yours.  Thank You.

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...