Feelings, nothing more than feelings....

But they still suck sometimes.  My son, Jared, is 15.  He is also in the hospital.  I just got off the phone with him and he is crying and upset because he can't come home.  He wants to really bad, but the doctor and I are on the same page, and the page says that he can't go until he's a little more stable.  I have horrible guilt, but we're paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to be there, and I want him to be STABLE before he gets out.  It makes me sad, and my youngest broke down in tears at the dinner table tonight, because he misses his brother.  He wants Jared to come home.  He shares a room with Red.  Poor Red.  Poor Mason. Poor me.  :(  I feel so guilty, but what else can I do?  It just makes me SO sad.  I just don't even know what else to say.  I'm just numb.

It's official...

I'm broken.  There has been talk of adoption.  We even tried once.  Nine years ago.  I had an appointment this morning with an attorney.  I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce.  And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office.  Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him.  He met with me immediately.  And he gave me another consultation today.  It's going to be a $5000 retainer.  Which I don't have.  It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids.  I'm sorry, but WHY am I married?  He's never here.  I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single.  I never had to worry about what someone else was doing.  Whether they were cheating.  Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs.  And now...  He's scared about the fucking money.  Well I'm sick of it.  I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him.  Maybe that should be my clue.  I GIVE THE HELL UP.  God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here.  Because I can't do this anymore.  I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own.  I'm DONE.  I just can't do this.  Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary.  Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead.  Whatever.  I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.

I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something...  I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually.  Where is my safety net?  My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit.  And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me.  It's never going to be the same.  Ever.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

So...

I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog.  I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.

He asked me if I had been being honest with him.  I have, but not giving full disclosure.  He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  What do I do?  I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused.  It doesn't replace the trust.  So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  There is no win here...  I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with...  I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground.  And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.

HOW do I trust him again?  He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again.  Will I EVER be able to?  Will I ever be able to not think about him with her.  See him touching her in my head.  His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...?  My head is lovely when this type of thing happens.  I tend to think in pictures.  And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her.  And it was as real as if it had really happened.  I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick.  Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress.  That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts.  Every time I close my eyes, I see it...

I don't know how to make it go away.  I don't know how to make HER go away.  And right now, I hate her fricking guts.  I want to go shove her off a tall building.  Or a cliff....  *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty.  I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous.  BLECH.

I never stopped loving him...

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.


These words were written on 28 Feb 2013.  A month later, my world came crashing down on me.  I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony.  It was actual physical pain.  There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman.  Things he should only say to me...

My heart has been broken. *I* am broken.  And God is repairing me.  I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here.  God is mine too, and He is love.  He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children.  But the Lord has lifted me.  He has come to my aid any time I have asked.  Which has been often.

I know this man did something horribly wrong.  But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake.  And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this.  So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES.  Because they can.  This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble.  Because I've had that before.  This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.

We will be okay.  I love him, and he loves me.   This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.

Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial.  We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts.  This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand.  Yours.  Thank You.

Angel

That is the name he gave her.  I've read text messages.  I feel like I'm on fire on the inside when I think about it or talk about it too long.  I can't even express the anguish I am going through.  And to her, it is nothing.  I'm sure she just figures it's only a matter of time...

My chest hurts.  My heart skips beats sometimes.  And my brain is just in an incredible fog.  And I'm alone.  I feel desperately solitary in this situation.  I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much.  And I also don't know how I'm going to get over the feeling of distrust I have.  How do I know he's not eating lunch with her?  How do I know that he has really broken it off?

I'm attempting to move forward, and not focus on it and nothing else.  That is easier said than done.  All he has to do is say, "I love you," and I'm off and running in my head.  Thinking about how horrible this wrong has been for me.  Wondering how he can possibly mean it when he said it to someone else just a week ago...?

And THEN, there's *her*.  I cannot describe the feeling of loathing I have for this person.  The absolute lack of compassion for what she's put me and our family through.  She knows we have six kids.  And she's a bitch.  I have nothing nice to say about her, so perhaps I should just stop there.

I have never felt as ugly and dirty as I do right now.  Every time I shower I think about how I feel like *she* is still "on me".  I don't know how to explain it.  And he swears he hasn't slept with her.  But he doesn't tell me the truth half the time.  I asked for his text messages, and he didn't tell me no, but he told me that it wasn't moving forward...  HOW can I move forward when I know that you've been getting pictures of another woman's breasts and telling her you love HER??????????????????????????????

I hope she drops off the face of the earth and gets sucked into a black hole.  I wish I could facilitate that for her.  But since I can't, I think I will just use my paper voodoo pad on her.  Bitch.

How long...

Has this been going on?  Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core.  What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal?  How do you restore trust?  How do you go on?  How do you pick up the pieces?  How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point?  She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind.  Kissed him while he was engaged to me.  And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date.  With her.  And, two of the kids know.  How does this help them with their multiple issues?  And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me?  He has told her he loves her.  And has told me he is IN love with me.  The line has still been crossed.  It is adultery in my mind.  I am heartbroken.  He is the love of my life.  There have been some problems.  But I've always loved him.  And now I am lost.  Lord help us...

My name is Sarah...

And I have an eating disorder.  I am bulimic.  I don't throw up.  I use laxatives/stool softeners.  I have been unable to stop, and have actually recently had to increase my intake, because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom.

I didn't start out like this.  Actually, that's not true.  My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year.  I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous.  I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself.  I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something.  So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract.  It doesn't work.  And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame.  SO - I'm outing myself.  I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.

Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not.  The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive.  But I can't make myself stop.  Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work.  But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.

I hate being this way.  Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict...  What has happened to me?  I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years...  Time to figure it out...