I remember the day when my life changed forever. I remember the INSTANT that it changed. And today, I am watching my 20 year old daughter struggle with what has happened that has changed her life forever. I remember the horrible things people said, trying to be helpful. "It was God's will..." I hated them for it, because I couldn't figure out how someone would think that would be helpful. And as my daughter grieves for the man she loves, as his parents grieve their 19 year old son's loss... people are telling her and them, "It was God's will..." I don't believe that it was God's will. Did God know it would happen? Yes. But the minute that man stopped, and then made the decision to cross those railroad tracks, it was the aftermath of that decision that was at play there. God will put him to work, I'm sure. But God knows how much good he would have done here.
I am beyond sad. I know what it feels like to bury a child. I know what it's like to have people tell me things that aren't helpful. I remember what it feels like to go through the motions of planning a funeral like a robot, numb from pain and grief. It breaks my heart that my daughter, at the tender age of 20, has to go through this, without any benefit of being married to him. People will not understand the depth of her pain, as if the relationship meant less because they were not yet married when he died.
I am praying for my daughter, for his family, and for the employees of the railroad who were unable to stop the wheels set in motion, just stand by and stop the train after it hit his car. It is a horrible situation I would never wish on anyone. I hope and pray that peace will come to those who are mourning the loss of this great kid.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Saturday, August 9, 2014
A Blessed Life...
Today, we went to "Art in the Park" at Lakeview Park in Nampa. We saw many many booths, lots of fun stuff! :)
One booth we saw that was cool was an artist named "Non" Reyes. Mr. Reyes was involved in a motor vehicle accident 22 years ago that left him paralyzed from his shoulders down and unable to breathe on his own. The story goes on to say that several months after the accident, his young son asked Non to scratch his back, and Non was trying to decide how to tell his son he couldn't do it. His son, seeing his father's difficulty, said, " With your whiskers, Daddy." He then climbed up on his father's chest so Non could scratch his son's back with his chin. He was inspired then to be positive. I read this story and was brought to tears by this sweet 3 year old child's ability to help his daddy see what COULD be done instead of what couldn't.
I purchased a beautiful print with birch trees in fall colors after agonizing between that and one of a scene with pine trees and a creek. I got home and showed the kids the print of this painting done by Non with his mouth and read the story to them. My sweet 17 year old son with autism said, "He has a really blessed life!"
If you knew this kid, you'd know that it's not a normal thing for him to recognize his own blessings, let alone the blessings of others. This is my child whom I was told would never drive or live independently. I am SO grateful for him and his insight today. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for lending me this child who teaches me constantly.
If you are interested in Non's work, I've left a link below. Enjoy.
Mouth Art
One booth we saw that was cool was an artist named "Non" Reyes. Mr. Reyes was involved in a motor vehicle accident 22 years ago that left him paralyzed from his shoulders down and unable to breathe on his own. The story goes on to say that several months after the accident, his young son asked Non to scratch his back, and Non was trying to decide how to tell his son he couldn't do it. His son, seeing his father's difficulty, said, " With your whiskers, Daddy." He then climbed up on his father's chest so Non could scratch his son's back with his chin. He was inspired then to be positive. I read this story and was brought to tears by this sweet 3 year old child's ability to help his daddy see what COULD be done instead of what couldn't.
I purchased a beautiful print with birch trees in fall colors after agonizing between that and one of a scene with pine trees and a creek. I got home and showed the kids the print of this painting done by Non with his mouth and read the story to them. My sweet 17 year old son with autism said, "He has a really blessed life!"
If you knew this kid, you'd know that it's not a normal thing for him to recognize his own blessings, let alone the blessings of others. This is my child whom I was told would never drive or live independently. I am SO grateful for him and his insight today. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for lending me this child who teaches me constantly.
If you are interested in Non's work, I've left a link below. Enjoy.
Mouth Art
Monday, August 4, 2014
Abandoned...
If you've ever watched the movie Beaches, you may remember the part where Cici's mother and she were having a conversation about her need for constant attention. How she wanted the constant attention of everyone she was around and she wore everyone out to the point where they could no longer deal with her.
I believe there are people who just need more attention than others. I know that I am one of them. My husband is a work-a-holic. I know that sounds crazy, but I think those of us with an "ism" can recognize another with an "ism" when we begin to recover. And my husband is a work-a-holic. When I met him, he was working for Boise State University, a job that he traveled *maybe* twice a year for. Then he went to Capital One in their IT dept, and since their HQ are in Richmond, Virginia, he was traveling much more often. Then, the Boise office closed, and we had several months of severance pay, during which he was able to find another job. He worked there only a couple of months, because a different job with better pay came up, at Blue Cross of ID. Travel slowed quite a bit, which was great. And for two and a half years, everything seemed pretty good.
Then, Shad got the "itch". Lots of politics in the world of insurance companies, even in IT. And in big corporations, there are all the loopholes and garbage that went along with that. So, Shad started interviewing for jobs. To "keep my interviewing skills sharp." Well, he was offered a job with the company he currently is working for. It was a very small company, less than 50 employees. Travel required. But when we talked with another employee of that company, he said, "it's only travel for 2-3 days a week, and usually not every week." We talked about it and pondered, etc., and I knew it was something he really wanted to do, so I told him it would be fine, even though I was extremely wary of the amount of travel that would be done. This was summer of 2008.
October of 2008, he was asked to take on a project in Salt Lake City, as the company was trying to expand into that area. It would basically mean he would be working as a consultant for the state of Utah, and he'd need to be there five days a week and home on weekends. I found out while visiting my parents in FL, and we needed to make a decision rather quickly, he'd be leaving the Monday after Thanksgiving. I was really worried, but we talked about it and I knew he wanted to do it because he was so new at the company and was still trying to establish a relationship with the sales reps, one in particular. He was worried about me because his travel up to that point had been fairly hard on me. I told him it would be fine because he'd be home every weekend, etc. It was most certainly not fine. I'm not sure the point at which things just went crazy. I had shoulder surgery in the beginning of November that year, had to find someone to help me to physical therapy twice a day because I wasn't even allowed to move my arm on my own. Needless to say, it was not a good start to the project.
I also started home schooling my younger daughter due to some problems she was having. She is on the autism spectrum and she was really having difficulty adjusting. She was having problems with some girls who were just nasty and mean. I home schooled her from the beginning of October til mid February and by the time I got her re-enrolled in school, I was suicidal. Basically, the long story made short was that I stopped functioning. I have still not become fully functional.
Summer of 2007 was when he took what he likes to refer to as a "hobby job", working with the drum line of Nampa High. (The story of how this came to be is far too long for me to relate right now.) Anyway, at that point he was only working during the summer, and he wasn't included in any of anything else that happened. I was fine with that. I think he was too, at the time. The first year he didn't even get paid. The second year he got $500. Then the band director "retired" and most of the existing staff with him. Shad was the only one who stayed. It was devastating to the kids when that happened, Nampa was winning DIII yearly and had been for quite some time. Shad didn't get a say in the new director, even though they said he would. The hiring process was done before anything else was said to him about it.
Fall came, and we met with the new band director. Thankfully, we both loved him and he and Shad have really worked together quite well. I loved that he was from Iowa, which is where I grew up, and he was young, so he'd be able to relate to the kids well. There has been a deep mutual respect between Shad and him from the beginning.
Every year, I'd complain and say that this was the last year Shad was going to do this. Then, miraculously, marching band would be over and I'd have enough respite to go again through another season. Last year, however, was RIDICULOUS. Extremely difficult, filled with drama from kids and ADULTS, (which, honestly, GROW UP, people. If you're old enough to vote, stay out of the drama BS.) Parents of some who were threatening to sue over this, that and the next and I'd had it. I decided for sure that it would be his last year. When it was mentioned to the band director, he said, "When Shad leaves, I leave."
My jaw just dropped open. I think it may have even had flies go in. Shad and I had long discussed the detrimental effects that kind of crap had on the kids. There were kids who dropped band when Dr. Stone retired and never gave the program a chance. What could I do? There was NO way I could make sure I had what I needed while making sure that the band kids, whom I love dearly, would not lose TWO directors instead of just one. Friday night, we had a dinner and a band booster meeting, where the band director sat next to me and said, "Is this going to be Shad's last year... Again...?" I was furious. I love this man, I love his wife. He has no kids of his own, however, so no matter how bad a day with the band kids might be, he doesn't have to take any of them home with him. We have two kids in the band. We have another starting college in the fall with the unrealistic expectation of not taking out ANY loans. And we have three more on the autism spectrum which brings its own lovely challenges to the party. And, we're a blended family. So we get all sorts of advice on how to deal with our kids, but most of them come from people who don't understand the uniqueness of our situation, or don't have children, or both.
Shad travels with his "real" job rather extensively. Last week he was gone. He was gone the week before that, AND the week before that. During all of that time, *I* am taking care of everything. This is NOT what I signed on for. During band season, which goes from the first full week of August until (this year) the first week in November, I rarely see my husband. There are times when he goes directly from the airport after being gone for days to the high school for rehearsal. I have a great deal of frustration over this. I always come AFTER the jobs, no matter what it is. And then I have someone being sarcastic and shitty about it, not realizing the amount of sacrifice on my part that goes in to having my husband have a second job that takes away from my family constantly.
My kids are only going to be young once, and the sad part about it is that when they look back on their childhood, they are going to remember that their dad was ALWAYS gone and their mom was always pissed off about it and, therefore, yelling constantly. When I'm pissed at him, it gets taken out on the kids. Is it right? No. Is it real? Unfortunately.
SO - here I sit on the first day of band camp, alone, watching the three autistic super heroes while I sit in my pajamas. Yesterday, I was in bed ALL day, with the exception of when I was being seen at the urgent care for a UTI that was one of the worst I've ever had. Pain in my bladder and kidneys had me doubled over and having so much blood in my urine that it was pink. I am still in my pajamas today, at almost one-thirty in the afternoon. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Nothing. I cannot even get off my chair right now to deal with the dogs or anything else. I'm just tired. All the time. So, you know... keep poking at the bear. Because one of these days, the bear is going to attack like a wounded, wild animal. You have fun with that.
I believe there are people who just need more attention than others. I know that I am one of them. My husband is a work-a-holic. I know that sounds crazy, but I think those of us with an "ism" can recognize another with an "ism" when we begin to recover. And my husband is a work-a-holic. When I met him, he was working for Boise State University, a job that he traveled *maybe* twice a year for. Then he went to Capital One in their IT dept, and since their HQ are in Richmond, Virginia, he was traveling much more often. Then, the Boise office closed, and we had several months of severance pay, during which he was able to find another job. He worked there only a couple of months, because a different job with better pay came up, at Blue Cross of ID. Travel slowed quite a bit, which was great. And for two and a half years, everything seemed pretty good.
Then, Shad got the "itch". Lots of politics in the world of insurance companies, even in IT. And in big corporations, there are all the loopholes and garbage that went along with that. So, Shad started interviewing for jobs. To "keep my interviewing skills sharp." Well, he was offered a job with the company he currently is working for. It was a very small company, less than 50 employees. Travel required. But when we talked with another employee of that company, he said, "it's only travel for 2-3 days a week, and usually not every week." We talked about it and pondered, etc., and I knew it was something he really wanted to do, so I told him it would be fine, even though I was extremely wary of the amount of travel that would be done. This was summer of 2008.
October of 2008, he was asked to take on a project in Salt Lake City, as the company was trying to expand into that area. It would basically mean he would be working as a consultant for the state of Utah, and he'd need to be there five days a week and home on weekends. I found out while visiting my parents in FL, and we needed to make a decision rather quickly, he'd be leaving the Monday after Thanksgiving. I was really worried, but we talked about it and I knew he wanted to do it because he was so new at the company and was still trying to establish a relationship with the sales reps, one in particular. He was worried about me because his travel up to that point had been fairly hard on me. I told him it would be fine because he'd be home every weekend, etc. It was most certainly not fine. I'm not sure the point at which things just went crazy. I had shoulder surgery in the beginning of November that year, had to find someone to help me to physical therapy twice a day because I wasn't even allowed to move my arm on my own. Needless to say, it was not a good start to the project.
I also started home schooling my younger daughter due to some problems she was having. She is on the autism spectrum and she was really having difficulty adjusting. She was having problems with some girls who were just nasty and mean. I home schooled her from the beginning of October til mid February and by the time I got her re-enrolled in school, I was suicidal. Basically, the long story made short was that I stopped functioning. I have still not become fully functional.
Summer of 2007 was when he took what he likes to refer to as a "hobby job", working with the drum line of Nampa High. (The story of how this came to be is far too long for me to relate right now.) Anyway, at that point he was only working during the summer, and he wasn't included in any of anything else that happened. I was fine with that. I think he was too, at the time. The first year he didn't even get paid. The second year he got $500. Then the band director "retired" and most of the existing staff with him. Shad was the only one who stayed. It was devastating to the kids when that happened, Nampa was winning DIII yearly and had been for quite some time. Shad didn't get a say in the new director, even though they said he would. The hiring process was done before anything else was said to him about it.
Fall came, and we met with the new band director. Thankfully, we both loved him and he and Shad have really worked together quite well. I loved that he was from Iowa, which is where I grew up, and he was young, so he'd be able to relate to the kids well. There has been a deep mutual respect between Shad and him from the beginning.
Every year, I'd complain and say that this was the last year Shad was going to do this. Then, miraculously, marching band would be over and I'd have enough respite to go again through another season. Last year, however, was RIDICULOUS. Extremely difficult, filled with drama from kids and ADULTS, (which, honestly, GROW UP, people. If you're old enough to vote, stay out of the drama BS.) Parents of some who were threatening to sue over this, that and the next and I'd had it. I decided for sure that it would be his last year. When it was mentioned to the band director, he said, "When Shad leaves, I leave."
My jaw just dropped open. I think it may have even had flies go in. Shad and I had long discussed the detrimental effects that kind of crap had on the kids. There were kids who dropped band when Dr. Stone retired and never gave the program a chance. What could I do? There was NO way I could make sure I had what I needed while making sure that the band kids, whom I love dearly, would not lose TWO directors instead of just one. Friday night, we had a dinner and a band booster meeting, where the band director sat next to me and said, "Is this going to be Shad's last year... Again...?" I was furious. I love this man, I love his wife. He has no kids of his own, however, so no matter how bad a day with the band kids might be, he doesn't have to take any of them home with him. We have two kids in the band. We have another starting college in the fall with the unrealistic expectation of not taking out ANY loans. And we have three more on the autism spectrum which brings its own lovely challenges to the party. And, we're a blended family. So we get all sorts of advice on how to deal with our kids, but most of them come from people who don't understand the uniqueness of our situation, or don't have children, or both.
Shad travels with his "real" job rather extensively. Last week he was gone. He was gone the week before that, AND the week before that. During all of that time, *I* am taking care of everything. This is NOT what I signed on for. During band season, which goes from the first full week of August until (this year) the first week in November, I rarely see my husband. There are times when he goes directly from the airport after being gone for days to the high school for rehearsal. I have a great deal of frustration over this. I always come AFTER the jobs, no matter what it is. And then I have someone being sarcastic and shitty about it, not realizing the amount of sacrifice on my part that goes in to having my husband have a second job that takes away from my family constantly.
My kids are only going to be young once, and the sad part about it is that when they look back on their childhood, they are going to remember that their dad was ALWAYS gone and their mom was always pissed off about it and, therefore, yelling constantly. When I'm pissed at him, it gets taken out on the kids. Is it right? No. Is it real? Unfortunately.
SO - here I sit on the first day of band camp, alone, watching the three autistic super heroes while I sit in my pajamas. Yesterday, I was in bed ALL day, with the exception of when I was being seen at the urgent care for a UTI that was one of the worst I've ever had. Pain in my bladder and kidneys had me doubled over and having so much blood in my urine that it was pink. I am still in my pajamas today, at almost one-thirty in the afternoon. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Nothing. I cannot even get off my chair right now to deal with the dogs or anything else. I'm just tired. All the time. So, you know... keep poking at the bear. Because one of these days, the bear is going to attack like a wounded, wild animal. You have fun with that.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Tonight, it's been a year...
OK, this is not even close to the same as a Jet's song... But it was a year ago tonight (it's still the 28th in my mind because I haven't gone to bed yet) since I got a phone call that changed my life. It turned my world up-side down and sideways. If you've read this blog at all, you know the story. Anyway - it seems like it just happened in some ways, and in others like it's light years away from where I am now.
When I lost my baby, on her birthday the following year, I thought, "Wow, it's been a year. I just might be able to keep going." That first year was absolute HELL. It was painfully slow in passing. And that's sort of how I feel about this. Several sheets of Paper VooDoo later, (one of which was rubber-banded to a rock and thrown onto Lake Lowell - I say ONto because it was crazy late at night, pitch black, SO foggy, and neither my sponsor or I thought about the fact that the damn lake would be FROZEN- but it's NOW at the bottom of lake) I have finally gotten to the year mark. I think I've had a LOT of tests and trials to deal with while I've been working through some of it. But it's been a whole year. And I just might be able to keep going. There have been SO many things in addition to Paper VooDoo that I've done to try and make myself feel better. And NOTHING has helped. The only thing that has worked for me is praying like crazy that I can let go, and knowing that, when given an opportunity, I didn't have to make the mistake she did. I'm not the same as she is. I'm not better or worse, but I'm different. And sometimes that's just good enough. Sometimes, just knowing that I'm healing is the difference between going absolutely crazy and being okay enough to survive just one more day. One more minute.
This man I love is not perfect. But neither am I. And hopefully we can just be, accept our differences, our similarities, and strengths and our weaknesses... and at the end of the day just continue to love each other. I'll stay on the train as long as it's still underneath my feet. On New Year's Eve, we were BOTH so relieved to get 2013 behind us. And NOW I feel like it is really gone. And so is *she. Goodbye.
When I lost my baby, on her birthday the following year, I thought, "Wow, it's been a year. I just might be able to keep going." That first year was absolute HELL. It was painfully slow in passing. And that's sort of how I feel about this. Several sheets of Paper VooDoo later, (one of which was rubber-banded to a rock and thrown onto Lake Lowell - I say ONto because it was crazy late at night, pitch black, SO foggy, and neither my sponsor or I thought about the fact that the damn lake would be FROZEN- but it's NOW at the bottom of lake) I have finally gotten to the year mark. I think I've had a LOT of tests and trials to deal with while I've been working through some of it. But it's been a whole year. And I just might be able to keep going. There have been SO many things in addition to Paper VooDoo that I've done to try and make myself feel better. And NOTHING has helped. The only thing that has worked for me is praying like crazy that I can let go, and knowing that, when given an opportunity, I didn't have to make the mistake she did. I'm not the same as she is. I'm not better or worse, but I'm different. And sometimes that's just good enough. Sometimes, just knowing that I'm healing is the difference between going absolutely crazy and being okay enough to survive just one more day. One more minute.
This man I love is not perfect. But neither am I. And hopefully we can just be, accept our differences, our similarities, and strengths and our weaknesses... and at the end of the day just continue to love each other. I'll stay on the train as long as it's still underneath my feet. On New Year's Eve, we were BOTH so relieved to get 2013 behind us. And NOW I feel like it is really gone. And so is *she. Goodbye.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
What happens now?
Where do I go from here? I feel like my life is over. I am in a perpetual state of panic. He keeps saying he's not gone. He repeatedly tells me that he loves me and everything is fine. But for the third day in a row, he hasn't kissed me goodbye when he leaves. Monday he told me I didn't wake up. Same with yesterday. But today I KNOW he didn't try because I woke up when he got up and just dozed off and on, but wasn't nearly asleep so hard that I couldn't wake up.
I moved across the country to be with him. Stayed in two homeless shelters. I have done nothing but try to be what he wants and needs. I don't think it will ever be enough. And I kind of hate him for it.
He doesn't understand that what he's done this time has completely changed me. I will never be the same. I may never completely heal, because when he says he's finished and turns around and does the same thing, it's because he's sorry he got caught, not because it will never happen again.
He insists that this time he understands that he will never have me if he does it again, but I think he doesn't want me. He "teases" me all the time that I misrepresented myself. That I wasn't really who I said I was. I don't understand HOW he sees me. SO much stuff happened during that first year I was here, and yet, I STAYED. He kissed someone else while we were engaged, but I still stayed. He left for six months for a project, only home on weekends to "put out fires" and get ready to leave again. *I* was the one taking care of the kids and keeping everyone afloat.
That left me broken. Severely. Then we went to a counselor who was an idiot, and she took his side on some stuff that my intuition said, "UH UH! NO WAY!" And, four years later, I found out that *I* was right. And we are dangerously close to the year mark of that discovery. So what do I do now? I have stayed and stayed while he has strayed. And I'm still here. And he's physically her a lot of the time, but I have NO emotional connection with him. I feel like he's closed himself off from me and will never let me in.
I guess what I want to know is WHY he has done it? HE was wrong. HE needs to help fix. And instead, I'M the one trying to pick up the pieces, and I just can't do it anymore. I am just fried. I am broken. I am fragile. I am lost. I need to be the one getting fixed. Why the HELL am I trying to fix him and his crap?
I feel this way as a result of what he has done, and it's going to take as long as it takes for me to be okay. And if it was the first time, it wouldn't be as hard, but it's NOT. They say third time's a charm, and I can't decide if that means if this time it's really done or not...
I moved across the country to be with him. Stayed in two homeless shelters. I have done nothing but try to be what he wants and needs. I don't think it will ever be enough. And I kind of hate him for it.
He doesn't understand that what he's done this time has completely changed me. I will never be the same. I may never completely heal, because when he says he's finished and turns around and does the same thing, it's because he's sorry he got caught, not because it will never happen again.
He insists that this time he understands that he will never have me if he does it again, but I think he doesn't want me. He "teases" me all the time that I misrepresented myself. That I wasn't really who I said I was. I don't understand HOW he sees me. SO much stuff happened during that first year I was here, and yet, I STAYED. He kissed someone else while we were engaged, but I still stayed. He left for six months for a project, only home on weekends to "put out fires" and get ready to leave again. *I* was the one taking care of the kids and keeping everyone afloat.
That left me broken. Severely. Then we went to a counselor who was an idiot, and she took his side on some stuff that my intuition said, "UH UH! NO WAY!" And, four years later, I found out that *I* was right. And we are dangerously close to the year mark of that discovery. So what do I do now? I have stayed and stayed while he has strayed. And I'm still here. And he's physically her a lot of the time, but I have NO emotional connection with him. I feel like he's closed himself off from me and will never let me in.
I guess what I want to know is WHY he has done it? HE was wrong. HE needs to help fix. And instead, I'M the one trying to pick up the pieces, and I just can't do it anymore. I am just fried. I am broken. I am fragile. I am lost. I need to be the one getting fixed. Why the HELL am I trying to fix him and his crap?
I feel this way as a result of what he has done, and it's going to take as long as it takes for me to be okay. And if it was the first time, it wouldn't be as hard, but it's NOT. They say third time's a charm, and I can't decide if that means if this time it's really done or not...
Monday, February 10, 2014
Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
I know I shouldn't care... My sponsor tells me that it's none of my business what people think about me. But when it's people I love or in this case, someone who my husband loves... I've tried and tried and tried. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm SO broken this time after everything he has put me through. And I feel like it was my fault because I was "unapproachable". And I look at my life and it's not how I planned it or in any semblance of ANYTHING I want to claim right now. And I want to die. I just want to go lie down in the snow on a mountain and go to sleep and die. And I can't. I am paralyzed by the fear and shame and doubt and complete lack of faith I have. And I try. I really do... I just... I can't keep going forward. Sometimes I just need to stop and be stuck and work through whatever is stopping me up. WHY can't I just FEEL better!? I just want to feel better and BE better and just BE. I go through the motions and I just can't help but feel that everything I do is BULL SHIT. I cannot continue, but I can't stand still. God help me, I am trying so hard to do His will. I just feel like the wheels have fallen off and I only have ONE spare. I'm naked, raw, hurting, and I don't know how I'm ever going to get better. I don't think I am ever going to get better. Oh my HELL, this pain.. you just don't even know. I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't scream. I can't even move. I am just dying inside and nothing and no one can help me. I finally understand why people cut. I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it. Often. I'm a zombie. I'm dead inside and occasionally something or someone will try to revive me. But it is too late for me. I'm already gone. I walk as a shell of a woman... well, a big shell... but a shell nevertheless. I'm permanently damaged. Broken. And I can't be returned or fixed so no one wants me. I don't even want me. I don't know why this shit is all coming out right now. But I'm SO SO SO fucked up. OMG, it hurts so FUCKING bad. I can't even describe it. WHY do I have to deal with this?
Because I feel like SHE is still a presence. And I hate her. And every time I think of her, I pray for her. But I think part of the problem is that I pray that she will have everything I want for myself, and the reality is I want my husband. So how do I pray that she have everything I want. Because I'm not willing to let him go. I don't know... maybe if I just let him go, this wouldn't hurt so much. I just don't know how to do what I feel in my heart was the answer for me. Because I hurt so bad while I try to heal. It's like every week or so, someone comes and yanks the big scab off, and I bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed. And every time it gets opened up, the wound gets deeper. And it takes more packing. And a bigger scab. And longer to heal. Help me, Lord. Please come and heal me. Take this pain from me, I don't want it. I'm grateful I have a savior who has suffered all earthly pains for me. Please help me to remove my anger for the people who have hurt me. Please help me to not judge whatever is wrong in their lives, because just as they don't see my pain, I don't see theirs. Right now, right this moment, thank You for the peace You have given me.
Because I feel like SHE is still a presence. And I hate her. And every time I think of her, I pray for her. But I think part of the problem is that I pray that she will have everything I want for myself, and the reality is I want my husband. So how do I pray that she have everything I want. Because I'm not willing to let him go. I don't know... maybe if I just let him go, this wouldn't hurt so much. I just don't know how to do what I feel in my heart was the answer for me. Because I hurt so bad while I try to heal. It's like every week or so, someone comes and yanks the big scab off, and I bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed. And every time it gets opened up, the wound gets deeper. And it takes more packing. And a bigger scab. And longer to heal. Help me, Lord. Please come and heal me. Take this pain from me, I don't want it. I'm grateful I have a savior who has suffered all earthly pains for me. Please help me to remove my anger for the people who have hurt me. Please help me to not judge whatever is wrong in their lives, because just as they don't see my pain, I don't see theirs. Right now, right this moment, thank You for the peace You have given me.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Arms
I LOVE this song. With everything that's been happening over the last year and all the emotions there have been, I can TOTALLY relate to the fear, the anxiety, the preemptive strikes to protect herself, and the deep love she feels. I love this man so totally and completely and my biggest fear is that he will leave. But I'm trying not to make him feel like it's a lost cause. If I thought that, I wouldn't still be here.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Help Wanted: White Knight.
Sometimes I sit and I can't even function. I can't think, I can't create... I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life. I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal. I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend. I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?" I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me. I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency. But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else? I would give him my life if that's what he wanted. But that's not what he wants. He wants boobs. He doesn't care who they're attached to. And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine. I don't trust him. I don't think I'll ever trust him. And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now. How can this continue? We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.
I'm SO broken. And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay. Fixed isn't even on my radar. ALIVE. I feel dead inside. I am so heartbroken. And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't. I have NO ONE. Because *I* have alienated them. Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive. There are so many days that I just want to die. I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything. I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.
I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic. Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true. I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs... He swears he's here. But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho. He's just shut down. Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am. But it's not even my fault. I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen. I hate myself and I just need him to love me. The way things were a couple of years ago. I'm at the end of my rope. The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast. Who is going to rescue me? Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.
I'm SO broken. And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay. Fixed isn't even on my radar. ALIVE. I feel dead inside. I am so heartbroken. And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't. I have NO ONE. Because *I* have alienated them. Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive. There are so many days that I just want to die. I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything. I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.
I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic. Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true. I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs... He swears he's here. But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho. He's just shut down. Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am. But it's not even my fault. I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen. I hate myself and I just need him to love me. The way things were a couple of years ago. I'm at the end of my rope. The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast. Who is going to rescue me? Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
GOODBYE, 2013!
And good riddance...
I still deal with so much anger and betrayal. It has turned my life upside down. And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me. He doesn't realize it yet, but he has. He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back. I know I'm supposed to be with him. I always have. But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me. I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express. I'm afraid to leave. I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this. I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that. I don't want it to come to that. It makes me horribly sad. I am heartbroken. And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out. He did that last night... asked me what was wrong. I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong. Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap. And he didn't say anything. He knew there was something... but he didn't press...
That almost killed me. The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened. I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust." HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust. And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition. My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS. Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me. And I don't know if it even matters. I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).
So - now what? Well, I'll tell you. I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride. I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy. I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts. I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT. I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal. I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it. I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this. Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away. But I have my beautiful kids to take care of. And I will not let them go. Secrets kill families. My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so. And she's right. This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been. I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting. And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.
Never have I been SO grateful for a year to be finished.
I still deal with so much anger and betrayal. It has turned my life upside down. And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me. He doesn't realize it yet, but he has. He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back. I know I'm supposed to be with him. I always have. But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me. I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express. I'm afraid to leave. I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this. I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that. I don't want it to come to that. It makes me horribly sad. I am heartbroken. And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out. He did that last night... asked me what was wrong. I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong. Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap. And he didn't say anything. He knew there was something... but he didn't press...
That almost killed me. The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened. I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust." HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust. And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition. My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS. Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me. And I don't know if it even matters. I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).
So - now what? Well, I'll tell you. I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride. I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy. I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts. I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT. I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal. I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it. I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this. Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away. But I have my beautiful kids to take care of. And I will not let them go. Secrets kill families. My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so. And she's right. This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been. I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting. And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Feelings, nothing more than feelings....
But they still suck sometimes. My son, Jared, is 15. He is also in the hospital. I just got off the phone with him and he is crying and upset because he can't come home. He wants to really bad, but the doctor and I are on the same page, and the page says that he can't go until he's a little more stable. I have horrible guilt, but we're paying a ridiculous amount of money for him to be there, and I want him to be STABLE before he gets out. It makes me sad, and my youngest broke down in tears at the dinner table tonight, because he misses his brother. He wants Jared to come home. He shares a room with Red. Poor Red. Poor Mason. Poor me. :( I feel so guilty, but what else can I do? It just makes me SO sad. I just don't even know what else to say. I'm just numb.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
It's official...
I'm broken. There has been talk of adoption. We even tried once. Nine years ago. I had an appointment this morning with an attorney. I met him by accident, he is helping a dear friend of mine through a nasty divorce. And we happened to be hanging out when she had to take some stuff by his office. Well, I happened to go with her, and I met him. He met with me immediately. And he gave me another consultation today. It's going to be a $5000 retainer. Which I don't have. It's also going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Because the man I'm married to is going to let his fear of being broke, and/or losing come before these kids. I'm sorry, but WHY am I married? He's never here. I'm a single parent without the luxury of being single. I never had to worry about what someone else was doing. Whether they were cheating. Whether they were sitting next to me on the couch while texting someone else or looking at her boobs. And now... He's scared about the fucking money. Well I'm sick of it. I can't tell you how many attorneys we've consulted over the years and the timing is NEVER right for him. Maybe that should be my clue. I GIVE THE HELL UP. God, please hear me when I say if you want me to stay with this man, there better be some serious change going on up in here. Because I can't do this anymore. I'm not going to waste ten more years wondering how I fit in *his* life while I give up my own. I'm DONE. I just can't do this. Two days from my freaking ten year anniversary. Maybe I should retain this guy for a divorce instead. Whatever. I'm sick of hurting, being shoved aside while EVERYTHING else takes precedent over me.
I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore. I'm so tired. I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something... I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually. Where is my safety net? My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit. And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me. It's never going to be the same. Ever. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I've been taken for granted for so long I just don't even know how to put myself first anymore. I'm so tired. I'm just expected to be here for whenever he needs me, but when *I* need something... I just can't keep allowing myself to be hurt continually. Where is my safety net? My family doesn't fit, so HE was the fit. And just when I finally got to the point that I was comfortable, he ripped the rug out from under me. It's never going to be the same. Ever. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
So...
I just found out while my husband was in an airport for a lay over that he read my blog. I know it's a public thing, but I had no idea he'd been reading it.
He asked me if I had been being honest with him. I have, but not giving full disclosure. He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire. What do I do? I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused. It doesn't replace the trust. So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. There is no win here... I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with... I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground. And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.
HOW do I trust him again? He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again. Will I EVER be able to? Will I ever be able to not think about him with her. See him touching her in my head. His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...? My head is lovely when this type of thing happens. I tend to think in pictures. And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her. And it was as real as if it had really happened. I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick. Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress. That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts. Every time I close my eyes, I see it...
I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to make HER go away. And right now, I hate her fricking guts. I want to go shove her off a tall building. Or a cliff.... *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty. I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous. BLECH.
He asked me if I had been being honest with him. I have, but not giving full disclosure. He's been beating himself up so much that I didn't want to add fuel to the fire. What do I do? I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take away the hurt he has caused. It doesn't replace the trust. So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. There is no win here... I'm scared to death because I don't know where he is or what he's doing that there's a possibility of him finding someone else to hang out with... I just feel like things have been shaken up and spun around and flipped, and everyone else has gotten their bearings and stood up and I'm still upside down on the ground. And every time I get into all fours and get ready to stand, someone shakes the fucking globe.
HOW do I trust him again? He had my complete trust and it's gone, and I'm afraid to take that risk again. Will I EVER be able to? Will I ever be able to not think about him with her. See him touching her in my head. His hands on her in places they should NEVER EVER be...? My head is lovely when this type of thing happens. I tend to think in pictures. And the first thing I thought about when this happened (and keep in mind that thought is VISUAL) was his fingers inside her. And it was as real as if it had really happened. I could see the ring on that hand... I saw it as if it was a porno flick. Only the *stars* were my husband and his mistress. That visual has yet to leave my conscious thoughts. Every time I close my eyes, I see it...
I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to make HER go away. And right now, I hate her fricking guts. I want to go shove her off a tall building. Or a cliff.... *sigh* this is not how I meant for this post to go, but I do need to now go take a bath, since I feel dirty. I can't even talk about her without feeling dirty and nauseous. BLECH.
I never stopped loving him...
Thank GOD for my husband. He is an amazing man, he's so good to me. He's good to my children. He takes such good care of us. I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me. I am so grateful for him. I love him. And he makes everything okay.
These words were written on 28 Feb 2013. A month later, my world came crashing down on me. I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony. It was actual physical pain. There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman. Things he should only say to me...
My heart has been broken. *I* am broken. And God is repairing me. I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here. God is mine too, and He is love. He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children. But the Lord has lifted me. He has come to my aid any time I have asked. Which has been often.
I know this man did something horribly wrong. But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake. And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this. So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES. Because they can. This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble. Because I've had that before. This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.
We will be okay. I love him, and he loves me. This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.
Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial. We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts. This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand. Yours. Thank You.
These words were written on 28 Feb 2013. A month later, my world came crashing down on me. I can't describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hurt, the fire, the indescribable agony. It was actual physical pain. There is NOTHING in the world like having to read things my husband, who should be mine, and mine alone, has written/said to another woman. Things he should only say to me...
My heart has been broken. *I* am broken. And God is repairing me. I am in a refiner's fire for a purpose I don't know, but I am here. God is mine too, and He is love. He helps me continue to love this man who has committed a huge betrayal in my life and the lives of our children. But the Lord has lifted me. He has come to my aid any time I have asked. Which has been often.
I know this man did something horribly wrong. But my husband is a good man who made a terrible mistake. And he has been working really hard to gain my trust and fix this. So if someone asks me if people can change, I say YES. Because they can. This is going beyond just good behavior to get out of trouble. Because I've had that before. This is a man who loves me, trying to shield himself from some of my very ugly behaviors.
We will be okay. I love him, and he loves me. This is NOT who he is and we WILL not let him be defined by it.
Thank you, Lord, for the tender mercies that have been shown to both of us in this trial. We have felt the love of the Savior in our lives and hearts. This is a time where we will look back down the beach to see one set of footprints in the sand. Yours. Thank You.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Angel
That is the name he gave her. I've read text messages. I feel like I'm on fire on the inside when I think about it or talk about it too long. I can't even express the anguish I am going through. And to her, it is nothing. I'm sure she just figures it's only a matter of time...
My chest hurts. My heart skips beats sometimes. And my brain is just in an incredible fog. And I'm alone. I feel desperately solitary in this situation. I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much. And I also don't know how I'm going to get over the feeling of distrust I have. How do I know he's not eating lunch with her? How do I know that he has really broken it off?
I'm attempting to move forward, and not focus on it and nothing else. That is easier said than done. All he has to do is say, "I love you," and I'm off and running in my head. Thinking about how horrible this wrong has been for me. Wondering how he can possibly mean it when he said it to someone else just a week ago...?
And THEN, there's *her*. I cannot describe the feeling of loathing I have for this person. The absolute lack of compassion for what she's put me and our family through. She knows we have six kids. And she's a bitch. I have nothing nice to say about her, so perhaps I should just stop there.
I have never felt as ugly and dirty as I do right now. Every time I shower I think about how I feel like *she* is still "on me". I don't know how to explain it. And he swears he hasn't slept with her. But he doesn't tell me the truth half the time. I asked for his text messages, and he didn't tell me no, but he told me that it wasn't moving forward... HOW can I move forward when I know that you've been getting pictures of another woman's breasts and telling her you love HER??????????????????????????????
I hope she drops off the face of the earth and gets sucked into a black hole. I wish I could facilitate that for her. But since I can't, I think I will just use my paper voodoo pad on her. Bitch.
My chest hurts. My heart skips beats sometimes. And my brain is just in an incredible fog. And I'm alone. I feel desperately solitary in this situation. I sometimes wish I didn't love him so much. And I also don't know how I'm going to get over the feeling of distrust I have. How do I know he's not eating lunch with her? How do I know that he has really broken it off?
I'm attempting to move forward, and not focus on it and nothing else. That is easier said than done. All he has to do is say, "I love you," and I'm off and running in my head. Thinking about how horrible this wrong has been for me. Wondering how he can possibly mean it when he said it to someone else just a week ago...?
And THEN, there's *her*. I cannot describe the feeling of loathing I have for this person. The absolute lack of compassion for what she's put me and our family through. She knows we have six kids. And she's a bitch. I have nothing nice to say about her, so perhaps I should just stop there.
I have never felt as ugly and dirty as I do right now. Every time I shower I think about how I feel like *she* is still "on me". I don't know how to explain it. And he swears he hasn't slept with her. But he doesn't tell me the truth half the time. I asked for his text messages, and he didn't tell me no, but he told me that it wasn't moving forward... HOW can I move forward when I know that you've been getting pictures of another woman's breasts and telling her you love HER??????????????????????????????
I hope she drops off the face of the earth and gets sucked into a black hole. I wish I could facilitate that for her. But since I can't, I think I will just use my paper voodoo pad on her. Bitch.
Friday, March 29, 2013
How long...
Has this been going on? Found out some news today that has rocked me to my core. What do you do when someone you're lived with and loved for so long commits the ultimate betrayal? How do you restore trust? How do you go on? How do you pick up the pieces? How can I NOT feel like I was the second choice at this point? She chose someone else, and he chose me, but as soon as he and I were exclusively dating she changed her mind. Kissed him while he was engaged to me. And tonight, while I am in Phoenix on the eve of my sister's wedding, he is on a date. With her. And, two of the kids know. How does this help them with their multiple issues? And when he's texting me saying he's sorry, is he texting her and promising he'll leave me? He has told her he loves her. And has told me he is IN love with me. The line has still been crossed. It is adultery in my mind. I am heartbroken. He is the love of my life. There have been some problems. But I've always loved him. And now I am lost. Lord help us...
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
My name is Sarah...
And I have an eating disorder. I am bulimic. I don't throw up. I use laxatives/stool softeners. I have been unable to stop, and have actually recently had to increase my intake, because otherwise I can't go to the bathroom.
I didn't start out like this. Actually, that's not true. My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year. I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous. I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself. I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something. So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract. It doesn't work. And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame. SO - I'm outing myself. I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.
Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not. The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive. But I can't make myself stop. Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work. But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.
I hate being this way. Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict... What has happened to me? I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years... Time to figure it out...
I didn't start out like this. Actually, that's not true. My first battle with an eating disorder was the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year. I was nervous about starting high school and I wanted to be skinny and gorgeous. I read once in Richard Simmons' book that anorexics want to disappear, but I don't find that true of myself. I use food to abuse my body and/or have that control over something. So lately, my thing has been binge-ing on absolute crap and taking stool softeners to counteract. It doesn't work. And it just puts me in this huge spiral of shame. SO - I'm outing myself. I don't know when I'll be able to work on it, but at least I'm not keeping this huge secret now.
Because, you know... so many people read my blog...not. The other thing is that I will go and exercise for 2-3 hours at a time and not fuel and/or eat afterward, which is TOTALLY counterproductive. But I can't make myself stop. Because I gained so much weight after I got sober that I just can't make myself eat properly because I feel like it won't work. But because I also binge/purge, my body thinks it's starving.
I hate being this way. Food issues, OCD, shop-a-holic, alcoholic, addict... What has happened to me? I have done so much to my poor body in such a short 40 years... Time to figure it out...
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Tax money
So - Every year about mid-February, I get really... antsy..? I restless, cabin feverish, if that makes any sense. And when that happens, I spend money. A lot of money. It's like an obsession. I can't make it stop, and this year when it was happening, I got this self awareness that this happens like this a lot. It's almost as though we've spent the whole year scraping by, and then there's a release. My brain says, "OK, you've got some money now, let's shop for some stuff we've put off..."
I KNOW damn well that it's sick. I JUST figured out this year that it happens EVERY year. And... my husband and I have had a disagreement over this. My husband told me - okay, and I will be totally honest here, that this is NOT his exact words, but this is what I HEARD - that I throw the equivalent of a 40 year old temper tantrum til I get what I want and that it gets really old.
Let me just tell you the PANIC that entered immediately into my mind. My mind began racing, telling me,
"you're not going to be able to control what happens and it's going to be BAD."
"WHY can't you just STOP doing this?"
"You're ruining your marriage because you're SHOPPING."
'How are you going to survive if he leaves?"
"he's going to leave you."
All this in a millisecond, because that's how I roll. This was two days ago. So last night (after a day had passed) I asked him if he realized he'd told me that I have temper tantrums, and he said, "I know." And then followed up with (again, my words), " I meant to say it."
I am struggling. I don't even know how to explain what is happening to me in my brain. There are days I have complete calm. There are some days I'm easy to get along with. But not very many of them lately.
This amazing man is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He truly is my best friend. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me. He goes without things he wants, and sometimes even things he needs so I can have what I want. WHY is it never enough? Why do I constantly need / want more? I want to be satisfied with what I have. So why can't I be? Why do I have such a hard time not buying stuff that I don't need and sometimes don't even want. I am scared that he's going to leave.
He says that it's *our* money. And one thing I have noticed is that I ask him a lot of the time what he thinks on a LOT of stuff, even when he's out of town. Such as, "can so & so play the Wii?" But when they ask him, he doesn't typically ask me for my opinion. AND I feel like he's hiding the money stuff from me. If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would have NO idea where all the stuff is that pertains to our bills. And I started doing Dave Ramsey and he just keeps dragging his feet. Which also scares me. I feel like he's basically retreated into himself and isn't letting anyone in. I'm on the outside of a place I used to go. And the door is locked, but I have no key, and the person inside is ignoring me.
I don't know what to do. He says one thing, but his actions say something else, and it's very confusing to me. I told him I was going to go to school. He didn't say a word. And I couldn't figure out if he was thinking that would be a good idea or a bad one. He didn't tell me. So here I sit. Guessing what my husband is thinking. Worrying that after 10 years he's going to say, "screw it!' He told me that he's made promises to me. But I remember the stress of going through stuff with a person year after year, after year.
I don't know what else to say. The money issue comes up constantly. And the bill collector's call. And my husband says he's going to pay a bunch of the medical stuff, but, again... nothing is happening. I'm VERY stressed out. And I'm exhausted. And I'm worried that I'm going to end up alone after all of this. And it scares the crap out of me. I can't lose him, because I just won't be able to go on. I'm more in love with him now than I was 10 years ago.
Wow - I guess I had a LOT to say, and now I have a lot to work on in therapy. :)
I KNOW damn well that it's sick. I JUST figured out this year that it happens EVERY year. And... my husband and I have had a disagreement over this. My husband told me - okay, and I will be totally honest here, that this is NOT his exact words, but this is what I HEARD - that I throw the equivalent of a 40 year old temper tantrum til I get what I want and that it gets really old.
Let me just tell you the PANIC that entered immediately into my mind. My mind began racing, telling me,
"you're not going to be able to control what happens and it's going to be BAD."
"WHY can't you just STOP doing this?"
"You're ruining your marriage because you're SHOPPING."
'How are you going to survive if he leaves?"
"he's going to leave you."
All this in a millisecond, because that's how I roll. This was two days ago. So last night (after a day had passed) I asked him if he realized he'd told me that I have temper tantrums, and he said, "I know." And then followed up with (again, my words), " I meant to say it."
I am struggling. I don't even know how to explain what is happening to me in my brain. There are days I have complete calm. There are some days I'm easy to get along with. But not very many of them lately.
This amazing man is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He truly is my best friend. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me. He goes without things he wants, and sometimes even things he needs so I can have what I want. WHY is it never enough? Why do I constantly need / want more? I want to be satisfied with what I have. So why can't I be? Why do I have such a hard time not buying stuff that I don't need and sometimes don't even want. I am scared that he's going to leave.
He says that it's *our* money. And one thing I have noticed is that I ask him a lot of the time what he thinks on a LOT of stuff, even when he's out of town. Such as, "can so & so play the Wii?" But when they ask him, he doesn't typically ask me for my opinion. AND I feel like he's hiding the money stuff from me. If he dropped dead tomorrow, I would have NO idea where all the stuff is that pertains to our bills. And I started doing Dave Ramsey and he just keeps dragging his feet. Which also scares me. I feel like he's basically retreated into himself and isn't letting anyone in. I'm on the outside of a place I used to go. And the door is locked, but I have no key, and the person inside is ignoring me.
I don't know what to do. He says one thing, but his actions say something else, and it's very confusing to me. I told him I was going to go to school. He didn't say a word. And I couldn't figure out if he was thinking that would be a good idea or a bad one. He didn't tell me. So here I sit. Guessing what my husband is thinking. Worrying that after 10 years he's going to say, "screw it!' He told me that he's made promises to me. But I remember the stress of going through stuff with a person year after year, after year.
I don't know what else to say. The money issue comes up constantly. And the bill collector's call. And my husband says he's going to pay a bunch of the medical stuff, but, again... nothing is happening. I'm VERY stressed out. And I'm exhausted. And I'm worried that I'm going to end up alone after all of this. And it scares the crap out of me. I can't lose him, because I just won't be able to go on. I'm more in love with him now than I was 10 years ago.
Wow - I guess I had a LOT to say, and now I have a lot to work on in therapy. :)
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Anger keeps me warm in the winter...
And, apparently the rest of the year as well.
I'm listening to Chicago on my iPod, and I'm SO damned angry. I'm angry that I can't listen to these songs without thinking about *him* and wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to marry me...? Angry that I don't WANT to think these things because *he* was an abusive bastard who only thought about himself... Angry because *he* did things that affect my relationship now, a relationship I'm happy in with a man I love more than anyone I've ever loved. Angry that I had to go through things after the end of that relationship, while *he* just got baptized and had no repercussions at all.
Does he remember playing the song 'Everything I Do' by Bryan Adams and sobbing that he loved me so much and that song was how he felt about me, etc.? Does he remember that we used to listen to the Chicago CD while we slow danced in the dark in his room? Does he even think about it anymore? Did he EVER think about it? And why do *I* still have to think about it?
When I found out he didn't remember the last time we were together when he punched me and called me a name I can't repeat my friend said that big a deal to him. She said that it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to treat me like that. He has no idea that after that conversation I relapsed into more Oxycontin use. I definitely have unresolved issues from his constant controlling/abusive behavior. And then there are the rapes. Which I can't talk about. When I think about it, I am sick, and wish I could humiliate him and hurt him the way he has humiliated and hurt me. But I can't. I left *HIM* so WHY do I still feel like this? I haven't been with him for 18 years, nor do I want to ever see him again. I just want to erase that five years from my memory. I'm sure he did. And I never think about my ex husband like this. I guess because I left without any feelings for him whatsoever. Not the case with this man. I loved him like crazy, but couldn't continue hurting myself/contemplating suicide/ drinking because of the hurt he caused. All I ever wanted was to be with him forever, to have him love me, to marry me. And he wouldn't. Or couldn't.
Thank GOD for my husband. He is an amazing man, he's so good to me. He's good to my children. He takes such good care of us. I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me. I am so grateful for him. I love him. And he makes everything okay.
I'm listening to Chicago on my iPod, and I'm SO damned angry. I'm angry that I can't listen to these songs without thinking about *him* and wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to marry me...? Angry that I don't WANT to think these things because *he* was an abusive bastard who only thought about himself... Angry because *he* did things that affect my relationship now, a relationship I'm happy in with a man I love more than anyone I've ever loved. Angry that I had to go through things after the end of that relationship, while *he* just got baptized and had no repercussions at all.
Does he remember playing the song 'Everything I Do' by Bryan Adams and sobbing that he loved me so much and that song was how he felt about me, etc.? Does he remember that we used to listen to the Chicago CD while we slow danced in the dark in his room? Does he even think about it anymore? Did he EVER think about it? And why do *I* still have to think about it?
When I found out he didn't remember the last time we were together when he punched me and called me a name I can't repeat my friend said that big a deal to him. She said that it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to treat me like that. He has no idea that after that conversation I relapsed into more Oxycontin use. I definitely have unresolved issues from his constant controlling/abusive behavior. And then there are the rapes. Which I can't talk about. When I think about it, I am sick, and wish I could humiliate him and hurt him the way he has humiliated and hurt me. But I can't. I left *HIM* so WHY do I still feel like this? I haven't been with him for 18 years, nor do I want to ever see him again. I just want to erase that five years from my memory. I'm sure he did. And I never think about my ex husband like this. I guess because I left without any feelings for him whatsoever. Not the case with this man. I loved him like crazy, but couldn't continue hurting myself/contemplating suicide/ drinking because of the hurt he caused. All I ever wanted was to be with him forever, to have him love me, to marry me. And he wouldn't. Or couldn't.
Thank GOD for my husband. He is an amazing man, he's so good to me. He's good to my children. He takes such good care of us. I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me. I am so grateful for him. I love him. And he makes everything okay.
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