What happens now?

Where do I go from here?  I feel like my life is over.  I am in a perpetual state of panic.  He keeps saying he's not gone.  He repeatedly tells me that he loves me and everything is fine.  But for the third day in a row, he hasn't kissed me goodbye when he leaves.  Monday he told me I didn't wake up.  Same with yesterday.  But today I KNOW he didn't try because I woke up when he got up and just dozed off and on, but wasn't nearly asleep so hard that I couldn't wake up.

I moved across the country to be with him.  Stayed in two homeless shelters.  I have done nothing but try to be what he wants and needs.  I don't think it will ever be enough.  And I kind of hate him for it.

He doesn't understand that what he's done this time has completely changed me.  I will never be the same.  I may never completely heal, because when he says he's finished and turns around and does the same thing, it's because he's sorry he got caught, not because it will never happen again.

He insists that this time he understands that he will never have me if he does it again, but I think he doesn't want me.  He "teases" me all the time that I misrepresented myself.  That I wasn't really who I said I was.  I don't understand HOW he sees me.  SO much stuff happened during that first year I was here, and yet, I STAYED.  He kissed someone else while we were engaged, but I still stayed.  He left for six months for a project, only home on weekends to "put out fires" and get ready to leave again.  *I* was the one taking care of the kids and keeping everyone afloat.

That left me broken.  Severely.  Then we went to a counselor who was an idiot, and she took his side on some stuff that my intuition said, "UH UH!  NO WAY!"  And, four years later, I found out that *I* was right.  And we are dangerously close to the year mark of that discovery.  So what do I do now?  I have stayed and stayed while he has strayed.  And I'm still here.  And he's physically her a lot of the time, but I have NO emotional connection with him.  I feel like he's closed himself off from me and will never let me in.

I guess what I want to know is WHY he has done it?  HE was wrong.  HE needs to help fix.  And instead, I'M the one trying to pick up the pieces, and I just can't do it anymore.  I am just fried.  I am broken.  I am fragile.  I am lost.  I need to be the one getting fixed.  Why the HELL am I trying to fix him and his crap?

I feel this way as a result of what he has done, and it's going to take as long as it takes for me to be okay.  And if it was the first time, it wouldn't be as hard, but it's NOT.  They say third time's a charm, and I can't decide if that means if this time it's really done or not...

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

I know I shouldn't care...  My sponsor tells me that it's none of my business what people think about me.  But when it's people I love or in this case, someone who my husband loves...  I've tried and tried and tried.  And I just can't do it anymore.  I'm SO broken this time after everything he has put me through.  And I feel like it was my fault because I was "unapproachable".    And I look at my life and it's not how I planned it or in any semblance of ANYTHING I want to claim right now.  And I want to die.  I just want to go lie down in the snow on a mountain and go to sleep and die.  And I can't.  I am paralyzed by the fear and shame and doubt and complete lack of faith I have.  And I try.  I really do...  I just...  I can't keep going forward.  Sometimes I just need to stop and be stuck and work through whatever is stopping me up.  WHY can't I just FEEL better!?  I just want to feel better and BE better and just BE.  I go through the motions and I just can't help but feel that everything I do is BULL SHIT.  I cannot continue, but I can't stand still.  God help me, I am trying so hard to do His will.  I just feel like the wheels have fallen off and I only have ONE spare.  I'm naked, raw, hurting, and I don't know how I'm ever going to get better.  I don't think I am ever going to get better.  Oh my HELL, this pain.. you just don't even know.  I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't scream.  I can't even move.  I am just dying inside and nothing and no one can help me.  I finally understand why people cut.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it.  Often.  I'm a zombie.  I'm dead inside and occasionally something or someone will try to revive me.  But it is too late for me.  I'm already gone.  I walk as a shell of a woman... well, a big shell... but a shell nevertheless.  I'm permanently damaged.  Broken.  And I can't be returned or fixed so no one wants me.  I don't even want me.  I don't know why this shit is all coming out right now.  But I'm SO SO SO fucked up.  OMG, it hurts so FUCKING bad.  I can't even describe it.  WHY do I have to deal with this?

Because I feel like SHE is still a presence.  And I hate her.  And every time I think of her, I pray for her.  But I think part of the problem is that I pray that she will have everything I want for myself, and the reality is I want my husband.  So how do I pray that she have everything I want.  Because I'm not willing to let him go.  I don't know... maybe if I just let him go, this wouldn't hurt so much.  I just don't know how to do what I feel in my heart was the answer for me.  Because I hurt so bad while I try to heal.  It's like every week or so, someone comes and yanks the big scab off, and I bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed.  And every time it gets opened up, the wound gets deeper.  And it takes more packing.  And a bigger scab.  And longer to heal.  Help me, Lord.  Please come and heal me.  Take this pain from me, I don't want it.  I'm grateful I have a savior who has suffered all earthly pains for me.  Please help me to remove my anger for the people who have hurt me.  Please help me to not judge whatever is wrong in their lives, because just as they don't see my pain, I don't see theirs.  Right now, right this moment, thank You for the peace You have given me.

Haiku

What can I do?  When
I don't want to die, but I
don't want to live, too?

Arms

I LOVE this song.  With everything that's been happening over the last year and all the emotions there have been, I can TOTALLY relate to the fear, the anxiety, the preemptive strikes to protect herself, and the deep love she feels.  I love this man so totally and completely and my biggest fear is that he will leave.  But I'm trying not to make him feel like it's a lost cause.  If I thought that, I wouldn't still be here.

Christina Perri - Arms [Official Music Video]

Help Wanted: White Knight.

Sometimes I sit and I can't even function.  I can't think, I can't create...  I just sit in a daze, trying to make sense of my life.  I look back on better times and I have NO idea how/if things will EVER get back to normal.  I found a page from and old journal this morning, and I was saying how grateful I was to have a husband who is also my friend.  I was pondering that and thought to myself, "What is he now?"  I'm so screwed up, and I WANT to have faith and know that God is watching out for me.  I know He can't mess with anyone else's free agency.  But WHY does my husband think that he needs something from someone else?  I would give him my life if that's what he wanted.  But that's not what he wants.  He wants boobs.  He doesn't care who they're attached to.  And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex even when physically I'm fine.  I don't trust him.  I don't think I'll ever trust him.  And I resent some of the behaviors he's exhibiting now.  How can this continue?  We talk about it and he's good for a few days, and then things just go back to the way they were.

I'm SO broken.  And I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.  Fixed isn't even on my radar.  ALIVE.  I feel dead inside.  I am so heartbroken.  And when he is supposed to be the one person I can turn to, I can't.  I have NO ONE.  Because *I* have alienated them.  Not even on purpose, but it's been one of those things that I had to pull into myself to survive.  There are so many days that I just want to die.  I contemplate cutting myself because I don't really feel anything.  I've engaged in other behaviors that are similar, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm desperately alone, which is dangerous for me as an alcoholic.  Some have coined the phrase, "terminal uniqueness" and it's hauntingly true.  I sit at home and I eat and I cry and sometimes I scratch my arms or legs...  He swears he's here.  But the way he's acting is like when I first moved here to Idaho.  He's just shut down.  Like he can't take anymore of me being the way I am.  But it's not even my fault.  I would have just let my ovaries travel wherever they wanted to if I'd known this would happen.  I hate myself and I just need him to love me.  The way things were a couple of years ago.  I'm at the end of my rope.  The knot has come untied, and the rope is fraying dangerously fast.  Who is going to rescue me?  Because I definitely need a white knight before it's too late.

GOODBYE, 2013!

And good riddance...

Never have I been SO grateful for a year to be finished.  

I still deal with so much anger and betrayal.  It has turned my life upside down.  And the one thing that I just can't shake is that he has already left me.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he has.  He left me when he sought her out, and I don't believe that he's coming back.  I know I'm supposed to be with him.  I always have.  But he didn't know in the beginning, and sometimes I think he still questions whether he's supposed to be with me.  I am filled with terror beyond words that I have and can express.  I'm afraid to leave.  I'm afraid he will leave. Which torments me, because *I* want to be the one who is in control of this.  I want to be the one to leave if it comes to that.  I don't want it to come to that.  It makes me horribly sad.  I am heartbroken.  And the one thing he swore he'd never do, letting us go to sleep without talking stuff out.  He did that last night...  asked me what was wrong.  I said, "nothing." as I always do when something is wrong.  Hey, I'm a woman, I still have problems with some of that crap.  And he didn't say anything.  He knew there was something... but he didn't press...

That almost killed me.  The first time EVER in our 11 year relationship that's ever happened.  I have a friend who posts on Facebook stuff like "Never trust someone who lies to you and never love someone you don't trust."  HOW do I do that when I am married to the person I can no longer trust.  And who makes me not trust myself or my feelings OR my intuition.  My mom taught me to never EVER ignore my intuition, and I have been ignoring it for MONTHS.  Because I don't know if it's my intuition or my distrust that causes the thoughts that plague me.  And I don't know if it even matters.  I love that I'm starting sentences with prepositions (not really).

So - now what?  Well, I'll tell you.  I am going to attempt to enjoy the ride.  I'm going to try to allow vulnerability with him, because we both need that intimacy.  I'm going to try to let go of the whore who continues to plague my thoughts.  I am going to IGNORE those who tell me there is no way he didn't sleep with her, because I have received divine confirmation that he has NOT.  I am going to try to deal with my heartbreak, and try to heal.  I say try, because I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if my soul house can deal with another wrecking ball like this.  Even today, I wish I could just get in the car and drive away.  But I have my beautiful kids to take care of.  And I will not let them go.  Secrets kill families.  My mom told me that when I was 14 years old or so.  And she's right.  This secret was an especially painful one, but not as painful as it could have been.  I just don't want to hurt the way I've been hurting.  And I see a LOT of Paper Voodoo in my future.