Anger keeps me warm in the winter...

And, apparently the rest of the year as well.

I'm listening to Chicago on my iPod, and I'm SO damned angry.  I'm angry that I can't listen to these songs without thinking about *him* and wondering what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to marry me...? Angry that I don't WANT to think these things because *he* was an abusive bastard who only thought about himself...  Angry because *he* did things that affect my relationship now, a relationship I'm happy in with a man I love more than anyone I've ever loved.  Angry that I had to go through things after the end of that relationship, while *he* just got baptized and had no repercussions at all.

Does he remember playing the song 'Everything I Do' by Bryan Adams and sobbing that he loved me so much and that song was how he felt about me, etc.?  Does he remember that we used to listen to the Chicago CD while we slow danced in the dark in his room?  Does he even think about it anymore?  Did he EVER think about it?  And why do *I* still have to think about it?

When I found out he didn't remember the last time we were together when he punched me and called me a name I can't repeat my friend said that big a deal to him.  She said that it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to treat me like that.  He has no idea that after that conversation I relapsed into more Oxycontin use.  I definitely have unresolved issues from his constant controlling/abusive behavior.  And then there are the rapes.  Which I can't talk about.  When I think about it, I am sick, and wish I could humiliate him and hurt him the way he has humiliated and hurt me.  But I can't.  I left *HIM* so WHY do I still feel like this?  I haven't been with him for 18 years, nor do I want to ever see him again.  I just want to erase that five years from my memory.  I'm sure he did.  And I never think about my ex husband like this.  I guess because I left without any feelings for him whatsoever.  Not the case with this man.  I loved him like crazy, but couldn't continue hurting myself/contemplating suicide/ drinking because of the hurt he caused.  All I ever wanted was to be with him forever, to have him love me, to marry me.  And he wouldn't.  Or couldn't.

Thank GOD for my husband.  He is an amazing man, he's so good to me.  He's good to my children.  He takes such good care of us.  I know that I had to go through what I did to be ready for him, and he had to go through the things he did to be ready for me.  I am so grateful for him.  I love him.  And he makes everything okay.

Two!

Friday, January 2013 was my 2 year AA birthday.  I am very relaxed for the most part.  I did have to quit playing a game that I love but that I was using to escape my life.  But that was okay.  I don't need it.  What I do need is serenity.  Peace.  Patience.  And slowly, I'm getting it.  It just took me a little while to find the way to get it.  Guess what it is?  WORK!  Work my butt off.  Do the steps.  It has really helped me to get where I need to be.  I am not always able to hang on to it, but I'm able to find it more easily and more quickly.  Someone said to me on Friday that sobriety looks good on me.  I think so too. :)

WOW!

SO, I just figured out that I am such a dork!  I couldn't get into my blog and it was because I was trying to sign in under the wrong email address.  I really need to change things so I have one email address, because apparently 40 is getting to me!   Thanks to David Kutcher who helped me figure it out.  :)

On to the post!  So, 10 days ago, I turned 40, and I'm loving it!  I just feel this total sense of self, it's so awesome.  I just feel like I know what I want, I know where I'm going, etc.  I know that probably sounds weird, but it is what it is...

On Jan 11, 2013, I will have two years sobriety under my belt.  It's so cool to know that I don't have to be afraid to feel, and I don't have to turn my feelings into anger.  I'm still a long way from well, but I'm different from what I used to be...

Even with whatever flu/illness I've got going on, I am happy, I feel good (though not so much physically today) and I love my kids.  Anyway, I feel like I just can deal with what I have now, that I have the tools to continue on.  :)  If you think you have a problem with alcohol or substance abuse, I recommend going to AA.  There are people there who can help you!  :)

Autism speaks? At my house it screams.

I'd love to sit here and write a post about what happened between 3:00 to 4:00 p.m. from the time my 15 y/o autistic super hero got home from high school, til the time I got home.

I'd love to tell you about the raging, screaming, swearing tantrum (oh, sorry, I'm not allowed to call it a tantrum, I'm supposed to call it a melt down, despite the fact that it's a big effing tantrum) and the two broken picture frames he threw.

But I can't, because I have glass to clean up, and two autistic littles fighting.  Sometimes my life really sucks.

Drowning...

A month ago, I checked myself into a mental health facility to get myself a medication adjustment that needed to happen immediately.  I have been suffering from sever, debilitating depression since last May when my medication abruptly stopped working one day.  (It probably wasn't all that abrupt, but that's how it felt to me.)  So now, I struggle to figure out which issues belong to my alcoholic/addicted brain, and which issues belong to my depression and bipolar.

Then, in addition to this, my husband's ridiculous travel schedule.  I can't think straight, I'm agitated all the time. I don't feel normal.  I feel like I'm going to explode.  AND in addition to all of that, I feel completely ignored by him.  He tells me I'm not alone, but he acts like I'm not here, except to come in and ask me what my thoughts are for dinner.  I feel like telling him his head on a platter is what's for dinner.  I am left with screaming, fighting, autistic kids, most of whom have no way of self regulation.  I can barely function, yet I should know what we're having for dinner.  I can't even find clean underwear so I can shower most of the time.  This medication I am taking is fine, except for the dosage increase has left me feeling irritable, unable to concentrate, shaky, and mildly psychotic.  I am SO sick of having a couple of moments of peace here or there.  I am out of control, because I have no control.  I should just let my kids do whatever the hell they want whenever they want, so that they can be criminals.  And I have NO help, because my husband is ALWAYS gone.  And when he is here, I'm never doing it right.  There's always an issue with something I've done.

I give up.  It's NEVER EVER going to be good enough, right.  I'll never BE enough, worth enough, worthy enough.  I was in that psych ward with a crazy woman who kept praying, "Dear God, please take my life." Over and over.  She just kept repeating it.  It freaked me out.  But you know what?  I GET IT.  Because I know what it feels like to be irreparably broken.  To be in so many pieces that I cannot heal.  I sit and think about ways to die.  Which ones would be easy/painless.  I can't shoot myself, I don't have a gun, and I don't want anyone to find me like that.  If I took a bunch of pills when I went to bed... I could just go to sleep, and die.  I think about going to the lake and floating it after I take pills, but if/when they found my body, it would be nasty looking, and I wouldn't want to leave that image either...  I just don't know how much more of this I can take.  Between this and the fucking clique in our AA group, that CLEARLY is all in my head, NOT.  They go to LUNCH together, and if I get to go, it's because I happened to overhear and invite myself.  They all went fishing, and it was NEVER announced at group level, people were just talking about it.  Well, it's not polite to butt in and say, "Hey, I want to come."  They're all camping this week.  Good for them.  But it fucking hurts, and I am sick of feeling like I'm in high school.  SO, it's time to graduate, kids.  Grow the FUCK UP.  It's ridiculous for people in their 50s and 60s to act this way.  Time for me to find another group, I think.

OK, that's it for me.

Fifteen

I took my oldest son to the pediatrician today.  He will be 15 years old tomorrow.  Everything seemed fine, until the doctor mentioned that my son has only grown 1.5 inches in 18 months.  He's not progressing through puberty like he should be.  SO, I had to take him to the hospital for a blood draw, where they are checking testosterone levels, among other things.  And they took an x-ray of his hand to compare to other x-rays, to see his "growth age".   I am trying not to be freaked out about this.  But it's hard not to.  I was planning on an uneventful well check for him.  Especially with everything else going on.  My life feels like it's just falling apart.  I'm just going to put my trust in God that He will take care of things, and handle them the way they need to be handled.  Sometimes that is easier said than done.

Isolated

I don't remember a time as an adult when I've felt so isolated and misunderstood. I am utterly alone. I'm not sure that I'm any better now than I was when I got sober. I feel like shit. And I don't know how much of it to attribute to my depression, and how much of it is me being crazy, and how much I can lay at the feet of others and say, "Here. this is yours and I won't carry it for you any more." My husband has barely spoken to me, talked to me or touched me since he came home Thursday night. So I've been largely ignored while I go through some pretty difficult AA related crap. But then when I decide I need to go to a meeting this morning, I get the third degree, am I ok, etc, because he's worried. Well, then I'm just pissed off, because he has hardly spoken to me for two days and he wants to be worried. I just want to go to my meeting without feeling GUILT! Is that really too much to ask? I have been trying so hard to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm reading the big book, I'm reading my scriptures every night, and I have been for months now. I need help, and I'm starting to think that the help I need isn't on this earth. It's not getting any easier, only harder, and sometimes I feel like giving up. Like maybe everyone would just be better off if I used. Because I may not have been involved then, but I wasn't screaming and swearing, etc. my stress/anxiety level is through the roof. But heaven forbid you take any anxiety medication, because according to people in the program, that's just a cocktail in a capsule. Well, guess what? My sponsor and I discuss when I need to take them. That means if you aren't my doctor or my sponsor, you get no opinion. I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep praying for God to help me and I get a tiny bit of comprehension here or there but it doesn't last for more than a couple minutes. Then I'm back to where I started. I think i might just be better off if I died. Because I just can't take this much longer. It is no way to live, not for me, not for my kids... I just don't know what to do.